I agree – it is a good thing it doesn’t HAVE to be the mother, because there are all kinds of cases where it is not preferred or even possible.

WRT mothers being “naturally” evolved for primary childcare, sure, pregnancy and breastfeeding would seem to support that. But we are in danger of overlooking the function of evolution — to adapt to maximize reproductive success and survival. The person who can/will provide the means for this reproductive/survival success is not always the biological mother. Thankfully so.

This makes me ill, but I think I understand why it happens–not because they are any less broken–unfortunately it seems to be a part of mortality to have all this underlying anxiety about our lives and our choices and values, and when others in the group aren’t “towing the line” so to speak, just like we THINK they ought to be, we have to point it out. Kids start doing it when they’re 2 or 3, and many people never stop.

Lets pretend for a moment that the prophet were to say that the ideal was for all men to be carpenters, and that a man’s highest calling is to be a carpenter. But that individual circumstances will vary, and some men may not be carpenters in this life, but will in the hereafter. It is their divine role, to be a carpenter, and everything else is secondary to it.

You live your life and get your training in, say, being a fisherman. You really enjoy it, you are very good at it, and you are happy with your life. Then you find that you are supposed to be a carpenter, so you quit fishing and try your best at carpentry. You can’t manage to hold the wood properly, and you really suck at it. Plus, miss your fishing. You give it a very long, hard, prayerful attempt, but the items you make are horrible and you are miserable. The longer you try to do it, the more you hate it, so you eventually just go back to your fishing, which you love.

Meanwhile, you are constantly hearing about how your role in the next life will be carpentry – not fishing – and you hear about how much people love carpentry, how they get their greatest fulfillment from it, etc. In addition, you hear talks where the prophet says that any man who chooses a profession other than carpentry is selfish and sinful.

What do you think, do you think that you would feel broken if this were you?

And, yes, I have been told that I am broken for not being a SAHM, although just from friends within the church, not from leaders.

Oh, all the time. What I meant was, who stated that if you don’t do the ideal, you are broken?

“but its the societal construction placed on it – and the implications of that – that I have issues with.’

Ironically, the church is really at odds with the present societal construction. That women can do and have it all……

Have you really never heard it expressed that mom being home is the ideal? I can list a number of talks for you – from Pres. Benson through Pres. Hinckley – that clearly hold mom at home up as the ideal.

“be told, “You are living a nonideal lifestyle. You are broken. But don’t worry, when you get to heaven you will be fixed.”

But you’ve made a choice that you are comfortable and happy with. Why would you let anyone tell you you are “broken.” I’ve never heard that expressed that way in any church setting that women must be SAHMs. The fact that the Church recommends that and subscribes to the idea that mothers are the primary nurturers is not just a Church idea, it is a biology idea. And if you are happy, what makes you feel guilty?

“I’m afraid the ideal can cause negative reactions against those women who decide to go against the “ideal”, especially in the Church.”

Why do you suppose that is? if the ideal that is preached is how God would like it to be, why be critical of that? We are allowed to make choices and we have to live with that.

I think the problem comes because most individuals who don’t fit the “ideal” don’t want to think of themselves as “broken”. And creating an “ideal” where there are many, many, many exceptions automatically makes all those exceptions the “non-ideal” and therefore, the imperfect choice.

I work outside the home, and my DH for all intents and purposes is my son’s primary caretaker. I really like how this works for us, and I am very happy. I tried to do the SAHM thing and was extremely unhappy. I think its hard to look at something like that and be told, “You are living a nonideal lifestyle. You are broken. But don’t worry, when you get to heaven you will be fixed.”

I have to be honest, for the most part I really think my husband is a better parent. I am way too anal about keeping bed times, getting home work done…blah blah blah. Dad is way more fun, he just enjoys the kids. I know I would rather hang out with him than me. I like that we balance each other out.

Why do you suppose that is? if the ideal that is preached is how God would like it to be, why be critical of that? We are allowed to make choices and we have to live with that.

This is certainly tied, probably not exclusively, to biology and the oxytocin hormone. From wikipedia on oxytocin: “Rat females given oxytocin antagonists after giving birth do not exhibit typical maternal behavior. By contrast, virgin female sheep show maternal behavior towards foreign lambs upon cerebrospinal fluid infusion of oxytocin, which they would not do otherwise.”

Another study compared emotional connection/touch with young kittens and their subsequent social development with humans, suggesting that absence of that connection at a young age will decrease the ability to form close emotional connections in life. Certainly the human spirit is resilient and you see success stories in unexpected situations, so
overcoming adverse situations should never be counted out.