I tried to participate in the “singles” program in the ward, but always felt out of place there. I was the only one who wasn’t divorced. Several of the sisters were single because their husbands “traded them in on a newer model” and they evidently wanted nothing to do with men. I found that I could ask folks out to dinner, or “safe dates” only to be turned down. Finally I just couldn’t accept the rejection and realized that it hurt less to just stay home than to go to church each Sunday only to be ignored.

In one Ensign article a single man wrote that he felt unaccepted in his ward, that he was something that would not go away and so must be tolerated. I feel that way much of the time.

So if there is such a shortage of worthy men in the church, why is it that I am unwanted? I really miss my wife and there isn’t a day that goes by without my thinking of her, but I would also rather not be alone the rest of my life.

Or is it simpler to believe that all men are pigs, and thus give approval to yourself to ignore those of us who are “available?” It isn’t as if I am destitute, since I have lived a prudent life and have provided for myself financially. My home is paid for free and clear, and I expect to be able to continue my style of living.

Isn’t there some compatable soul out there who would like to share it with me?

People who have been through the temple and break the Law of Chastity are excommunicated. People who haven’t made the temple covenants are often treated with “kid gloves” for breaking the law of chastity. For example, teens who are promiscuous generally go through the repentance process with their bishop, and usually do not lose their membership. Certainly there is some church punishment meted out (such as not taking the sacrament, or other things the bishop deems worthwhile.)

You are right that the Law of Chastity is a requirement to be a member, as is the Word of Wisdom, and tithing.

I don’t see that there is really much room for interpretation on this one. Following the gospel will bring us to a pure state whereby we will be drawn to the right one for us.

You seem to view the 19year old as a victim, and not a willing participant. Sure, she was treated badly, but why did she sleep with the guy in the first place? She knew better. Why isn’t she a pig too? (Ok, maybe she’s a more repentant pig, but still a pig nonetheless.)

Isn’t the overnight chickie also a pig? Why are you not recognizing that it takes 2 to tango?

I agree that some of the church leaders offered TERRRIBLE advice on cheating husbands.

When it comes to people who cheat, both men and women are pigs. Let’s not forget that the women are cheating too. Yes some men don’t honor their priesthood, but the women who accept their advances aren’t blameless either.

Truth is “Where Do I Go?” Is kind of my life theme right now.

Thanks for your perspective, and good luck to you!

Thank you for the clarification. Zen and Jenkins my apologies for my sweeping generalization. Please understand this “knee jerk” comment comes from years as a observer and years as a priesthood leader (including 6 as a Bishop). To many men are not good stewards of the priesthood. To many priesthood leaders cut to much slack for these “men” when they use women (meaning wives, girlfriend, or girls they pretty much just consider as personal receptacles). Am I painting a clear picture for you. Keep reading because I am not done and now that I think about it I am angry!

How about the 19 year old sister that came to me as her Bishop and related that she had been having sex with a young man in the stake who said after he was through using her that he was not interested in her. She saw herself as damaged goods that not even the Atonement could repair. Nice eh? It took weeks for her to divulge his name because she did not want him to be mad at her.

How about my sister whose husband cheated on her and begged forgiveness. Against her better judgement she agreed. In about 3 weeks he was back to cheating. He moved out and when he had the kids (aged 4 – 11) on the weekend he was doing overnighters with his new chickie in the apartment. She brought this up to the Bishop who stated “Well we do not want to push him away”. He also warned her to “not step out of line”. Give me a break.

How about my parents neighbors whose husband worked for church security and was caught cheating by his wife. Her Bishop counseled her not to get worked up and to maintain standards and implied that after talking to him that this was likely her fault. What
happened to him? Nothing.

If you would like me to share stories I would be more than happy to start a blog. It is not just about the guys who are involved in the behavior it is also some leaders that make excuses for them and continue to foster the adage that women hold all the cards in these situations and that us poor guys just cannot control ourselves if the “forbidden fruit” is offered to us. It is ignorant and it is also incorrect.

Now that I have ranted let me give you some counsel and you can take it or leave it. Please get past the age thing and get to the prayer thing. Be humble. I have met plenty of singles your age both male and female that are fantastic people. My oldest brother did not marry until he was 31. He was engaged 3 times before he found the right one. One of my roommates was 29 and married a 19 year old. They have an incredible marriage, incredible kids and an incredible life. I could keep going here as well.

I know it is easy for me to say but do not get down on yourself. The biggest problem I see with YSA’s is the panic that sets in about 29 – 30. They start traveling the ends of the earth on Sundays looking for the right one and never seem to find any peace. I think Pres. Uctdorff or Elder Bednar gave a talk recently titled “Lift where you Stand”. Just the title is great counsel. The fact is if you are 32 and still not comfortable in the family ward then talk to the respective Bishops. You should be where you are best served and the handbook expressly stresses that. When you finally hit that destination ask your Bishop how you can serve the ward best. Let him know you need his insight so you can reach your goals. Then be an example to those 18 year olds. Most of them do not know squat and could use some spiritual mentors. I had plenty when I was 18 and living in a student ward in Provo. I was one of the few freshman in the ward because it just was not a “freshman” neighborhood. Let me tell you something. The members of that ward did mentor us. They were our friends and our support system and I owe a debt to many of them.

So do not give up and do not despair. Lift where you stand. Go to the YSA conference in CA. Maybe I will see you there. Oh yes do not ever become pigs.

You might be interested in the Middle Singles activities, and the Middle Singles Conferences, such as the Orange County/Beach Cities one happen this July 31-Aug. 2.
http://www.asingleplace.com/

Some people have great luck with them, or so I am told, but worst case scenario, you have a bunch of other 30-ish and 40-ish singles in the same boat you are.

Good luck

Mormons can participate in e-Harmony along with any other religious group you just let the computer know how important it is to you that your matches are the same religion you are. So if it’s very important your matches are LDS then they will only match you with fellow members.

I’ve attended a Singles Ward off and on since my divorce. These are my biggest complaints:
1) I’m 30 years old, why am I attending a singles ward with 18 year olds. I, or others in my position or age group, may seem like creepy old men to 18 year olds. I don’t understand why we would be grouped together, we have different goals and are in different stages of life. I’m not going to school, I’m not preparing for a mission, I’m not a kid. Why am I in the same group? It may just be about numbers, let them go up to thirty to get more numbers to the branch. It just doesn’t feel like much thought was put into it.
2) I don’t feel welcome, I’m not the most outgoing person in the world but it seems like somebody would at least look at you when you go to the branch. I attended a ward yesterday in another stake, I went to the beach for the weekend and the only ones who even glanced my direction were the missionaries (and they were convinced I was not a member… is facial hair THAT big of a deal, maybe topic of another discussion) In Sunday School you’d think they would just introduce the visitors, not in any singles ward I’ve been to.
3) I’m now 31 and so I’m now officially too old to go Young Single Adults so where do I fit in? It’s weird going to the family ward, I have a hard time relating with people there and I have no other options anymore. I’m in California and they’re doing some big YSA activity this fall and so I assumed I wasn’t invited, but now I’m informed they’ll let people 31 or 32 years old go because they need more numbers or possibly because my dad wants me to do it and he’s a stake president. Not sure which it is…

But I do agree with Zen about the comment on “the men are pigs”.

Darn that Dobson!

Hold on – some of us have stopped attending singles activities because these wonderful women won’t give us the time of day. Maybe only the “pigs” as you call them stay in the singles wards – I don’t know, but even I wouldn’t say that. And I am far from the only guy who feels that way.

There is only so much us good guys can do. I think the criticism needs to be a little more balanced and nuanced, rather than just, “the men are pigs”.

After growing up on in the church, dating and finding an incredible spouse,being a Bishop and reading this particular post I am convinced that the vast majority of men in and out of the church and essentially pigs.

Hawk, mormons are not allowed to participate on eHarmony.com becuase we are not Christians and may convert someone. This is what I have been told and what I can gather online.

Some of the women I dated, did talk about some of the sleazy people on the websites. I had a goal to marry in the temple, and wanted to meet people with similar goals. In Utah, I think it is relatively easy to find someone with a similar view about the church. I found the people I met online to be high caliber (professionally and spiritually), and I actually found it a better place to meet people than in a traditional singles ward (though I must confess, I met my wife at a singles ward activity.) I actually recommended the website to others, who had generally good experiences as well. So, I guess what I’m saying is, you still have to screen people online the same way you do in person. Not everybody who I went to church with was someone I wanted to date, and neither were the people online.

If my wife were to die (I’m not planning on a divorce), I would probably consider both a singles wards and LDSSingles.com. I had a good experience in both.