I was asked to work in the temple as an ordinance worker. I met with a member of the temple presidency. I asked him if there was anything about my appearance that I would need to change when I work at the temple. There are a lot of guidelines but I didn’t really understand where the line was. I’m a guy and at the time my hair was like 6 inches long but curly so it wasn’t hanging down and I thought he might have a problem with my hair. He replied by saying I should trim up my sideburns when I work at the temple. I was surprised because I hadn’t thought anything of my sideburns because I think they fit within the BYU dress code. He said the principle was that a temple workers appearance shouldn’t be distracting to patrons. I complied because it wasn’t a big deal to me and I understood the principle.

Good point.

I think also now I’d be able to trust you as the Bishop of my daughters or son. Cheers

So when this issue of the wildly dressed YM came up, I had no trepidation in talking to the YM personally. I had just been on a weeks hiking trip with him the summer before, so I knew we could talk. I didn’t call him into my office, but just caught him one Sunday in the chapel after Sacrament meeting after everybody had left for SS, and he had just finished cleaning up the Sacrament table.

I told him that the sacrament was for some people to most sacred time all week. I reminded him of the several elderly widows that sat on the back row together each week, and how it would take very little to distract or upset them (I said this in a way that we both got a chuckle out of it). I then said in a more serious tone that God did not care how he dressed, or what his belt buckle looked like, God knew what was on the inside. But I added that sweet sister Jones and Smith on the back row could only see what was on the outside as he passed the sacrament to them, and his appearance could disrupt that sacred time of the week for them. I asked him if he could just wear something lees distracting to the elderly in the ward. He agreed, and from then on wore plain belt buckles and belts. He still wore some t-shirts that showed up under his white shirt, but that didn’t seem to bother anybody.

Bottom line for both these first two cases is the relationship between the bishop and the youth. For case number three next week, I’ll tackle a more complicated issue with an adult.
Bishop Bill

I was an innocent boy once, and knew very little (nor did I care much) about the evils of the world. Walking home from school one day I saw an interesting figure spray-painted on a cinderblock wall. There wasn’t much graffiti around, so it caught my eye. I noticed it had a very interesting geometry. It was kind of a neat little symbol, and fun to draw. So I added it to my collection of fun things to doodle on papers, textbook covers, etc. It was a swastika. I unfortunately thought that particular symbol was so neat that it became my favorite thing to draw. Some of the kids from school saw what I would draw it and they’d call me a funny name that sounded something like “Yahtzee”. I was like, “Huh? Whatever.”

Then my teacher saw me with my swastika-laden textbook. I think she may have been Jewish, but I really can’t remember, it was a really really long time ago and I didn’t even know what “Jewish” fully meant either. She had the worst possible reaction. She started screaming at me and going off into some weird and terrible historical lesson about some very awful people and telling me that I was taking upon myself all of this evil. I, an innocent, unknowing boy, was made out to be a heartless murdering Nazi that day. I was devastated. The strange combination of shame, embarrassment, and increasingly anger, haunt me even to this day (but only a little, don’t worry about me). I had never heard the term “Nazi” before, and knew nothing about the evils of the Holocaust. I never once connected that fun little symbol to hatred before that day, and the hatred and disgust in my teacher’s eyes aimed at me was all the explanation I needed.

Don’t ever, ever, ever do this kind of thing to a kid. Charges of racism, hatred, bigotry, murder, etc should be applied with extreme care, especially when it comes to children and even teenagers. Please reach out to them and understand them instead.

Oh, and make sure your kids are at least a little clued-in about basic societal taboos. It will do them a favor.

One needs to build rapport with youth to then later teach them something. And what he wears isn’t all that important in the overall scheme of church do’s and dont’s unless its clearly racists or sexual.

I know of youth who have left the church entirely because a bishop told them rather bluntly to take off their earrings because they were ‘for girls only’. And they left before they had a chance to gain a testimony of any church practice or doctrine. In the end the Bishop just chased them away needlessly because of a dumb earring. And they kept wearing them so no one won.

Its hard enough trying to keep youth in church nowadays without pushing them away because of their odd clothing, which they will probably get over eventually on their own.

This is so our family in some ways, but as Mom, I would have drawn the line at the belt buckles, but so would the kid . . . he has an African American auntie. Skulls, well I just don’t find them very offensive, the kid, however, thinks they are stupid. Diagonally stiped tie, with contrasting striped shirt, black slacks, and black tennies-no problem, I’m just glad he’s there. Besides, he and I both share that slightly punk/emo/mod what have you fashion outlook. Which is probably why talking to Mom is low on the list or responses.

I guess this is another way that the connection between priesthood and family roles plays out differently in our denominations.

Now the Confederate belt buckle would be a different story, whether there were black members in the ward or not. I like Nick’s approach.

I would want the Spirit to teach the youth what that means to specific circumstances so their conscience guides them for good and they know why they wear or don’t wear things, and let that bless their lives forever on future choices.

This process will take longer to get results, but will get better results (not just belt buckles).

I would specifically NOT avoid a necessary confrontation and instead just make general comments to all the youth that “some of you don’t dress appropriately when passing the sacrament” which then leads to judging and everyone knowing who you are talking about except the person who you need to talk to about it. I hate it when everyone has to be scolded for one person’s lack of judgment because the leader doesn’t have the spine to confront someone.

But I don’t think this one needs confrontation, IMO. Better to teach the families correct principles (including love and acceptance) and let them govern themselves.

I remember when one of my boys bleached his hair and the bishop was out of town. One of the counselors didn’t let him bless the sacrament. Right after sacrament meeting, I had a face to face (face in face) with the counselor.

(2) Chat with him one-on-one about the Confederate flag buckle, but don’t make it about how “wrong” he is to wear it. Instead, make it clear that you’re concerned about his well-being, and in a ward full of imperfect people, there’s a good chance that someone will “mistakenly” think he’s a racist, and judge him for it. Make it clear that you know better, based on your interactions with him, but you don’t want him to be subjected to the words and actions of those who jump to the wrong conclusions.

#10 – Darned right! Most everything about Mormon culture made me uncomfortable when I was in Utah…

The real question is what you do the next week if he doesn’t change.

BTW — my son was the blue haired kid for a while, while I was bishop. He happened to be teacher age, so he neither passed nor blessed in that state, but he did help prepare.

My experience is that there are several principles that are key:

1. Far more important than what they wear is what relationship they have with their bishop and other adult leaders. If the relationship is strong, they’ll eventually find their way (though not always quickly).

2. Listening to the spirit is crucial; some youth can take a discussion of their clothing and be willing to change (happy, sometimes, that someone noticed), and others will crumble at the confrontation. In the broad scheme of things, losing a kid over a belt buckle seems short-sighted.

3. Teaching correct principles consistently (eg to the whole group and following up in regularly scheduled interviews) is valuable, too.

Most of the time these types of battles are not worth fighting. Eventually he will outgrow this time in his life.

My attitude is that if they are coming to church and want to participate let them.

I just wouldn’t risk offending someone over a non-issue.

Wonder if he’d wear a big beehive belt buckle? Tell him it will offend the Utah haters. (It’s called a joke, people. Jeez!)

[E]xplain how it could make people feel uncomfortable and therefore isn’t appropriate

Beehive hairdos and prairie dresses make me extraordinarily uncomfortable, but no one’s doing a dang thing about it.