If you know SLC, dear Mormon Matters readers, this week’s query is for you:
Dear Ask Mormon Girl:
My sister, a 50-something non-Mormon single woman, has just recently moved to SLC for a job? How does she make new friends her age? And I mean just friends — people to hang out with so she’s not so lonely. She’s having a hard time because so many people her age in SLC are Mormons with families who don’t need new friends and are pretty set in their ways. (And she definitely doesn’t want to be the subject of missionary work!) And everyone she works with is much younger than she is. She’s feeling very much the stranger in a strange land.
Sincerely,
Christina in Ohio
Dear Christina in Ohio (and big hello to Christina’s sister in SLC):
Salt Lake City is a company town. Sure, it has all the vital features of a twenty-first century eco-vegan-tattoo-alterna-mountain-paradise. But strip away the hemp lip balm and the yoga mats, and what stands beneath it all is an urban plan gridded out and still supervised by Brigham Young Himself.
The social ramifications of the Mormon origins of Salt Lake City are profound. It’s possible to experience the city as two parallel universes, each pretending the other does not exist. There are, on the one hand, the Mo’s-with-families-content-unto-themselves, many of whom may spend 10 – 20 hours a week on their Church attendance, activities, and volunteering. For these folks, it’s true, Mormonism can provide a satisfyingly complete social environment, and little time or space for outsiders.
Then, on the other hand, you have the heck-no-we-ain’t-Mo’s, many of whom would like to pretend that Salt Lake is just Boulder-with-annoying- liquor-laws-and-God-issues. Elite members of this group may pretend not to notice the Mormonism of SLC at all, dedicating incredible psychic resources to barricading themselves against the obvious. And in the dive bars of Salt Lake City, you will find the most curious local subset of the “heck-no-we-ain’t-Mo” set: the self-declared “used-to-be Mo’s,” who plunge themselves and innocent bystanders into drunken discourses on the darkest aspects of Mormon history and culture. Please be gentle with them. Their world is a complicated one.
Meeting quality people when you’re a single professional woman over 50 is no cakewalk anyplace. My hunch about dealing with the added challenge of living and socializing in SLC depends on one’s ability to walk comfortably in, out, and between its parallel universes without losing a sense of equanimity.
To that end, I suggest that your sister make intellectual friends with the fact she’s living in an utterly unique American geo-political environ, the urban legacy of a powerful nineteenth-century social movement. Make friends with its Mormon specificity and all the good things it brings: excellent white bread, for example (try Grandma Sycamore’s), or exquisitely wide tree-lined avenues, or local folk art, or the Beehive Tea Room. Read up a bit, and I don’t mean Jon Krakauer (more on him another time). Start with Terry Tempest Williams’s Refuge. Or, more briefly, this fascinating lefty take on SLC politics.
Then, I suggest that she get outside. Mormons have a genius for real estate. Just so happened Brigham Young established the heart of Mormon civilization in a gorgeous wilderness, with world-class alpine slopes and meadows to the east and an infinite matrix of red sandstone slot canyons to the south. If she heads over to REI and signs up for a couple of classes (snowshoeing is the new skiing), or goes on an outing with the Sierra Club, she’ll meet people of all ages who get outside, and that, in my experience, is one of the best ways to keep your balance, even in city as divided as SLC.
A few other suggestions for regaining and retaining a sense of equanimity: Park City. The Salt Lake Film Society. King’s English Bookshop. And don’t forget the Jewish Community Center, which has a gorgeous health club and book groups open to the community. If your sister feels like a stranger in a strange land, she could probably learn a thing or two from the Jews, who a bit about making friends and keeping a sense of humor.
Thanks for writing, Christina. Readers, many of you know SLC better than I do. What advice do you have?
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Most non-LDS churches in Utah sponsor varied social and interfaith activities to give their members something to do outside the dominant culture. If the sister belongs to a church, that would be a logical place to start. The First Unitarian Church is welcoming to people of all or no beliefs. The Zen Center is a place to meet people interested in meditation and Buddhism. SL has many good yoga studios. Yoga students are generally non-Mormon and friendly.
Check out the main SLC library too. There’ve got to be some interesting book groups, community classes and other gatherings there. And lectures at U of U.
Making friends in a new place is often difficult no matter where you move to. It does help to join something because it will give her a chance to meet some people in a setting that might give her a chance to find people with common interests. She should focus on finding things that she enjoys doing or want to learn about. Check online or at the library, etc. Call her local city to find out schedules of community classes. Join a fitness center and take a class there. Volunteer at a soup kitchen or school. Talk to neighbors and ask them about any neighborhood groups.
Even people who stay put and don’t move often have to branch out and make new friends because previous friends move or get remarried or something and friendships change. So finding friends is something many people have to work on if they aren’t the lucky few to have friends coming out of the woodwork.
She could join the Coast Guard Auxiliary, they’re all old people.
What is she into? Whatever it is, there is likely a club or group that gets together regularly that would provide a way to meet people with her interests, Mormon or not. Plenty of sewing groups and classes, hiking groups, wine tasting, public radio (KUER often hosts gatherings and events), book clubs…the list goes on. I’m probably too young (29) for your sister, but I can certainly sympathize and I wish there was an easier answer. Making friends in a new place is surprisingly difficult. I hope she finds a place.
These are all great suggestions. Place-wise– I recognize that sometimes as a single person one is merely looking to get out of the house for some human interaction– one of my favorite things to do when I lived in Salt Lake was to visit the sushi bar at Takashi. People there were always friendly and I had a lot of interesting conversations- and really good sushi- that way. The Coffee Garden at 9th and 9th also had a great community vibe that I miss terribly.
I have a friend in Boston who has used meetup.com to meet people for the kinds of activities others have talked about here.
I have never heard it described so perfectly. “barricading themselves against the obvious.” indeed!
Thanks, everyone! I found it a little weird to be the subject of a blog post, but I really appreciate the advice. Trying out many of the suggestions, except the bakery (sorry, celiac,too!) I highly recommend the classes offered by the law library in the evening and would love to take some at the U but most are during the day and I work long hours.