A Marital Confession

Rico-
My sympathies are with you in such a time. I’m in the same boat. Doing a PhD program, have a calling, have 3 kids, etc. It’s brutal hard!!

But I’m afraid I don’t understand the point of your post? What are you trying to say? Are you trying to push back against the social machine that gives you the opportunities to pursue what you want to do? It sounds like you’re really lamenting the role that you have chosen (been acted upon).

I guess I’m confused on several levels. You obviously believe it is important to accept “duties” in the church – namely a calling. How do you balance the injunction to serve with your feelings about the situation at home? Would you just say “no” to such a demanding calling (that’s certainly okay, I’m just asking)? Are you lamenting the decision to attend grad school? Obviously furthering your education has benefits down the road in terms of salary, job selection, job security, etc.

I guess I’m just very confused at how to understand your confession and lamentation. I always viewed this sort of thing as a tradeoff – I’m busy now, but I won’t always be this busy (especially since I do believe it is appropriate to reject callings in many circumstances).

Just one quick observation- the statement “drawing me into the public sphere while simultaneously requiring that my wife live her life in private sphere” implies both an inequality and a bright line divide between the public and private spheres. Is the public sphere more desirable or higher prestige? Is one really restricted to either the public or the private?

The absolute worst time of my entire marriage occurred when I was in a Church calling that required MUCH of my time – a great deal of my Sundays, and several other nights per week. Added to my responsibilities with work, kids, etc., it really and truly came a hair from absolutely destroying my marriage and family. Ironically, when I was set apart, I was told that it would require a great deal of time but that the Lord would watch over my family. Didn’t happen. Luckily, I am out of the calling now.

It did cause me to reflect quite a bit on how things got to where they were. I was being drawn away, much like Rico described. Since then, I have very specifically given up job opportunities which would take me away from my wife and family to the tune of A LOT of money. I would also have to think VERY HARD about accepting any calling that required such a great amount of time again. What is it worth if I serve some people in a ward for a few years, yet lose my marriage and family for eternity?

A while ago I was listening to a radio station where the wife had called in. She was complaining because her husband had not done the housework. She was working and he was at home. She said if I bring home the money, then he has to clean the house. It’s a fair exchange. The radio host said “Well, isn’t that what men have been saying for years?”

Jeff:
I agree with you. Whatever works in your home.

I don’t think there is a particularly good answer for this. In my case, my wife and I both wanted a big family, and when it comes right down to it, I cannot see a way to split every responsibility 50-50. In order to give our kids the opportunities and support we want them to have, we can’t both be working, and we make a lot more money with one of us working full-time than with both of us working part-time. I’m not particularly ambitious and don’t find my work particularly satisfying, and I’ve coveted my wife’s stay-at-home-momhood, but the choice isn’t work less and make less money — it’s work less and make a LOT less money. So, my wife’s life and my life are very different.

On the other hand, when I’m home I change the diapers, I clean up the kitchen, I bathe the children, etc.. On the weekends my wife runs off to children’s activities and I clean house. As a consequence, I have no hobbies, no friends, and I sometimes feel very much like the robot many housewives complain about being. My wife’s energies go into managing/participating in the kids’ lives and activities, and she contributes a lot to our community in so doing.

I understand many of the feminist concerns, and I definitely feel that society still has a way to go, but the fact remains that you cannot have it all. You make your choices and if you’re going to be successful at those choices, there’s a lot of work involved.

My wife and I just recently went to family storage center/cannery to re-stock our supply, and it was interesting to see how, without speaking a word, we instantly teamed up to do the canning. She inspected the cans, ran the canner, and labeled cans and boxes. I hefted the bags to fill the cans, built the boxes, and carted things around. After the last can, she quickly left to pick up the kids and I stayed behind to write the check, clean up the mess, and haul the boxes back to the garage. It was our marriage in microcosm. We were efficient, effective, successful. And our roles were very assymetric.

When I was a dedicated menace-2-society bachelor, I hired a housekeeping service to protect the home I had invested in. I was surprised after their first service about things that needed cleaning, like the baseboards, that I had never noticed or thought about. When I married, I suggested that I had a good thing going with the housekeepers and didn’t want to fire them. I suggested that my wife use the time to develop her talents or work if she chose. This became a major bone of contention because my wife felt that the housekeepers were encroaching on her domain. After months of tension about the issue, I gave my wife a broom for Valentine’s day with a whimsical decoration saying that in honor of Valentine’s day, the maids were fired.

Several kids later, the house gets re-cluttered by the kids before it’s cleaning can even be completed. I try to take my turn loading the dishwasher, cleaning the kitchen table and other daily chores, but things like dusting and those historic baseboards are never high enough on the list to be completed. A babysitter has even commented to her that she does housekeeping too if we ever want to use her. Nevertheless, that remains a sore subject after all these years. I’m sure that I can also do better at the daily chores, but I frequently would rather read, play with the kids, and teach them piano lessons at the end of a busy work day then to tackle the things that the housekeepers once did so well.

Another component to the give & take is that on the whole, male standards for how things are done in the home often differ from female standards. It may be cultural (women assume the home and appearance of the children is a direct reflection on them) or genetic (women have a hard-wired nurturing instinct associated with the keeping of the nest where children are reared). But division of household labor often overlooks some of the contributions that are traditionally male: outdoors / landscaping, lawn care, garage, technical support, etc.

I think this is a great example of an opportunity to look to our gay married counterparts and see how division of labor works when both individuals are presumably equal and there is no gender bias. Things still have to get done. Let each couple decide on a division of tasks jointly, based on individual preferences and who hates to do the task least. Because no matter the household task, over the course of 60 years, it’s going to get old.

I may “guilt” about not helping as much as I could with chores, but I don’t guilt about being in the bishopric and NOT going to scout round table, troop committee meetings, scout camp, youth snow parties, and day hikes because I need to be home with my kids. I don’t guilt because people that need TR interviews have to wait because I help load the kids into the truck and kiss my wife goodbye after sac mtg. I don’t guilt when I miss Sunday School or Priesthood Meeting because my youngest won’t stay in nursery. I don’t guilt when I am not sitting on the podium 5 minutes before meeting because I am helping the family out of the car and into the building. I don’t guilt if I leave the podium during Sac Mtg to take a child out into the foyer. But I better finish this up and head out because I DO have to go to church tonight!

Rico,

Great post. And I’ve had similar thoughts over nearly 30 years of marriage.

The night before my wedding, my father’s only counsel to me was this, “If your wife does not finish college, I’m holding you personally responsible.” My father, though very traditional as a working-dad-whose-wife-did-not-work-outside-the-home, instilled in his four children (two boys, two girls) the need for equality of opportunity.

I dont’ buy the MGS stuff. I do subscribe to the 100/100 marriage idea, however (I subscribe; I don’t always succeed, and neither does my wife).

Alma’s lesson about guilt is a good one: guilt is only good for getting us to change; after that, it’s got no value. A far better motivation is out of love for our spouse.

I think the fact that you’re asking yourself the question from time to time is a good thing, not evidence that you’re failing.

April — I agree with your concern that Dad’s who “help around the house” are praised and Moms who do the same (often day-in-and-day-out) do so without recognition. It’s a terribly small step, but I encourage each of my kids (espescially the boys; my girls seem to remember it without my reminder) to thank their mother for the meal before they leave the table (and I do, too). To her credit, my wife reminds them to thank me, too, when I cook. We had a stake president who regularly reminded dads that when they stayed home so their wives could attend a Relief Society meeting, they weren’t babysitting; they were being dads.

Thanks for the comments.

#14 – Martin I liked your comments. I think you articulated my experience. Your line about not having it all, is very much what I liked about Reese Dixon’s post. As person who likes eclecticism I feel torn by what I want and what I can do.

#15 – I think that is difficult dynamic to get right. I sense that for some people, their spouse might not be around forever but hopefully their kids will. Why not invest in the more long-term relationship.

#16 – Unfortunately the housekeeper is not an option for me. The conversation with my wife I mentioned above about discussing the sharing concluded with her wanting me to spend more time with the kids rather than doing the cleaning. I hope to be able to do both. So i think your idea about sharing time with your kids is an important thing.

#17 – I did not think your were insulting me. I was trying to respond to your critique. I agree there is a danger of the guilt becoming too important. I guess I am the sort of person who uses that to make those changes. I understand that is not for everyone and so I really just wanted to focus this on myself because I really don’t know how other peoplea re doing.

#18 – Ironically I am no technical handyman. I am probably better at the day-to-day cleaning stuff that doing the fixing things. I could be better but I am just not interested. Your right about the cultural divisions. I often struggled with my mother’s feelings in that regard. I get them more now. I would like people to feel comfortable in my home (tiny flat) and I think be tidy is an important dimension in helping them feel that.

#20 – Rigel, I really like what you said here. There is a definite tendency to take guilt from the Church before we take it from our families. Thanks for pointing this out.

#22 – I agree about guilt getting us to change is important. I also agree too much can be unhealthy.

#23 – Female Martyr Syndrome. I think people feel this toward the Church sometimes. Its as if they feel that their spouses should feel the benefit of all the service they do for other people vicariously. ‘I’m killing myself for all these people for you and our family.’

Rigel-

“This became a major bone of contention because my wife felt that the housekeepers were encroaching on her domain. After months of tension about the issue, I gave my wife a broom for Valentine’s day with a whimsical decoration saying that in honor of Valentine’s day, the maids were fired.”

Wow…send the maids my way!! I’ll take them any day!

I’ve been lucky to be able to be home with my kids their entire lives. The great thing is as they grow, they can contribute to the household chores. Obviously young children make more of a mess than anything, but even school age children can help with dishes, sweeping, etc. It gets a lot better when you delegate to the children and when they can babysit themselves too. I sure wouldn’t mind having someone come and clean my baseboards though……