My questions to you are: have you ever heard of someone experiencing such strong and persistent orgasm triggered negative emotions? Are you aware of any cases where such a condition has been cured or significantly lessened by the use of hypnosis? (self-hypnosis dramatically lessened the emotional trauma and fear during the last of her cesarean deliveries). Are you aware of any LDS therapists who are trained to use hypnosis in overcoming sexual dysfunction?

First of all I want to commend both you and your wife for what sounds like a meaningful and worthwhile life you have built together in light of the difficult challenges you have both faced. It seems like having an eternal perspective has been an incredibly useful gospel tool that helped you both keep sight of a common end goal. These are my thoughts/suggestions:

• I see some meaningful strengths or positives in your situation:

1. There has been a willingness to seek outside professional help.
2. There seems to be a desire from both parties to have a better sexual experience.
3. Your wife has been able to achieve climax in the past. There are many cases that involve a history of sexual trauma where the victim is unable to experience an orgasm at all.
4. The marriage sounds strong and healthy with good communication skills.
5. It sounds like in practicing patience, you have developed the other areas of intimacy in your relationship and also built a relationship of trust with your wife. This is highly commendable and speaks volumes of your love for her.
6. The fact that you have figured out a “safe” place to proceed with love making, such as the shower, shows an element of creativity and willingness on both ends. These are incredibly useful tools you can tap into together as a couple. Give yourselves bid kudos for this!
7. You are entering a new developmental stage of your lives – “the empty nest.” This can be a positive time when the shift from child care and concerns can be placed more firmly back onto the couplehood. This is a time where many couples reinvent themselves by spending time, energy and even money on rediscovering their similar interests, travel, more frequent dating, etc.

• I also see some difficult challenges.

1. The length of time that you have been dealing with these issues most likely have you both feeling discouraged, tired and hopeless.
2. The fact that you have sought outside help (both professionally and within the church) without achieving the desired results again leaves you both feeling discouraged, tired and hopeless.
3. When you are feeling discouraged, tired and hopeless it can be difficult to find the energy or desire to continue the fight. I would encourage both of you, however, to not give up.

Here are some suggestions:

• You may want to reconsider limiting your scope of getting help from only LDS counselors. Depending where you live, LDS therapists can be difficult to find and an LDS therapist who specializes in sex therapy is probably even harder to find. There are many helpful and qualified sex therapists who would respect your religious and spiritual values while helping you address these very personal issues. There are some very specific exercises that sex therapists can assign that have positive results for specific triggers such as orgasm. Many of these do not even include the act of intercourse, but rather focus on touch, stroke, and just proximity of skin. They also focus on self-soothing and relaxation techniques.  In fact, the way you begin to look at and define sex can be altogether different from traditional intercourse and may not trigger the same response: mutual masturbation, massage, phone sex, etc.
• I have a non-LDS colleague whom I greatly respect and with whom I consulted regarding your case. She specializes in sex therapy and had the following comments: “I don’t have any experience with hypnosis in treating sexual dysfunction. I would probably treat this case through the use of desensitization techniques and self-relaxation techniques. I have had couples with similar pasts and unfortunately the sex therapy is more of a long term and slow process. I don’t know of any Mormon Sex therapists. You could call AASECT.org to see who they have on their web site. You could also send them to Loyola’s Sexual Dysfunction (this program is based out of Chicago) though that would be short term. Perhaps a therapist trained in EMDR to help deal with the trauma piece?” Kathryn Thumme, MA, LMFT & Sex Therapist –Chicago
• I also do not have any experience with hypnotherapy, although I would not rule it out. Those who are trained in this area claim to have positive results within a variety of issues. And if your wife already found this technique useful, she may be able to apply it to this specific issue as well.
• You mention her health. Is this something that she has discussed with her OBGyn? Have medical reasons for any sexual dysfunction been factored out? Does she have a clean bill of health when it comes to pursuing her sexuality?
• They say that the biggest sexual organ we attain is our brain. This seems to be especially true for women. Stepping up the amount of romance can be a helpful tool to have in your corner. Coming up with ways that help her feel beautiful and sexy (whether this be in things that you say to her, write to her, or even things that you do like send her flowers, take her dancing, to a romantic movie or on a special get away, etc.) can be a fun way to engage in a form of foreplay. It’s not to imply that you should expect sex after these behaviors, but it can help set an overall mood to your marriage that could help in the long run.
• It is not always concerning that things get worse before they get better. This can actually be a normal part of the healing process. The travesty is when we give up because we feel there is no progress being made, usually right before a turning point is about to happen. As long as we’re trying, there is ALWAYS progress being made. It’s the nature of human drive – we are all trying to seek for better things. Whether we allow old habits, comfort zones, patterns and self-destructive thoughts to stand in our way is the bigger question.
• My last concern is how have you been handling 30 years of repressed sexual drive? This must be a painful situation for you to bear and I wonder if it’s affected your sense of self or even self-esteem? Is she aware of the pain this has caused you? I do not want to imply in any way that she should feel guilt for the incredibly difficult feelings she has had to live with. And yet sometimes women are willing to fight or struggle for others more than they are willing to do so for themselves. Although, this would not be the ultimate reason I would want her to seek help, it might be a good place to start: out of her love for you and wanting the best for you. It can also be an indirect example to your children – it’s amazing what they can unconsciously pick up on! Would you want them to give up on their sexual lives if they were in a similar situation? Similarly, Heavenly Father does not want you to give up on this aspect of your life either.
• If you are comfortable telling her anything from me it would be this: You deserve to reclaim your sexuality! Whatever has happened to you in the past to leave such painful scars is deeply saddening. You still deserve your sexuality. You are a worthy woman who deserves to experience this gift from God in a different way than you have up until now. Both you and your husband deserve better. It may be a long road, but it will be worthwhile. It may challenge you and snap you right out of your comfort zone, but you will grow and discover entirely new aspects of yourself that will surprise, delight and reinvent you. If your husband is a safe person to embark upon this journey with, take his hand and let him lead the way. It will be an adventure you will not regret.

I wish you both my very best.

MM Readers:

Is anyone willing to share any personal experiences with sexual trauma – either with self or spouse?  What has been helpful in overcoming similar issues?

What are your thoughts about the pros and cons of seeing and LDS versus a non-LDS therapist?

What are your thoughts about sex therapy – would you be wiling to go?

Natasha Helfer Parker is a Licensed Clinical Marriage and Family Therapist and a member of the Church with 13 years of experience working with LDS members. Here she shares with us representative cases from her practice and insights she has gained from her work as a therapist. She blogs at mormontherapist.blogspot.com.

I once had the neighbor from hell. I use the expression with theological intent.

Smart and relentlessly treacherous, he was somewhere on the spectrum from malignant narcissist to full-fledged sociopath, and I had no desire to observe closely enough to find out where. I do not know what horror had befallen him — if anything more significant than a stray cosmic ray hitting the genome at the wrong time — but he seemed to be without sincere empathy toward anyone. Worse, he seemed to have grown to love cruelty as the only thing giving meaning to his life. He was Jack Nicholson as the Joker: “So many people to hurt, so little time!” If he was not planning or executing some plot against one person, it was because he was busy with a more hated target.

Our family’s first hostile contact with this guy arose innocently enough. His daughter had a cat. When his daughter was living with her mother — he was, of course, in the middle of a messy divorce — he left it outside in the cold and wet and the hot and dry. My wife, not wanting the cat to suffer, began putting out a bowl of water on our porch in the heat, and a little food and a towel for the cat to shelter under in the cold. Polite suggestions to him that leaving the cat outside wasn’t a good idea led to several conflicted stories about why it was all right, but a clear acknowledgement that the cat was, indeed, his responsibility.

And then, after this had gone on for several months, a middle-aged oriental woman, not speaking English very well, appeared at our door one evening. She asked us if the cat then lurking behind our front bushes belonged to our neighbor, and my wife innocently and honestly answered yes.

And with that simple act, we moved unexpectedly from peace to a full-scale personal war in which our spiritual and emotional health and livelihood was directly threatened.

The woman had purchased the property from a military doctor and his wife when they transferred out of state to a new assignment. She had invested  her savings to make the buy, and then rented the property to our neighbor through an agency. Home prices in our county had been exploding, and she hoped to make a good profit from her investment. Instead, she found a nightmare.

In the year he’d been there, he’d managed to find some loophole each month to avoid paying a cent of rent. County codes here are built more to protect immigrant tenants from slumlords; they really were not designed with what an immoral tenant could do to an immigrant landlord in mind. Heating and cooling systems or plumbing would continually “break” — there were sometimes different heating companies called to the home for repairs on the same day, especially when the first arrivals found the systems to be working properly. He would call for repairs to be made, then deny access to the repairmen. On one occasion, I saw him demand reseeding of grass in his front yard for drainage, and then slip out to the yard that weekend and destroy the new turf.  On another, I saw him inspect a damaged fence, and then, rather than report it, hide the fact from the landlady until another month’s rent was due.

Now, burning through her savings for mortgage payments and repairs  with no end in sight, being harassed by the man by telephone and intimidated by him to the point she was afraid to come to the home without an escort, she saw a possible way to break the lease: it had a no-pet provision. And so she asked about the cat. We answered honestly — and then the neighbor came after us.

My wife had been supporting us by teaching individual piano students from our home for years, and had been the primary breadwinner since my heart attack. He filed complaints that what we were doing instead was a group studio in violation of zoning, and demanded we be shut down. He stole trash during the night and attempted to frame me for illegal dumping of medical waste. He attempted to intimidate parents from bringing children for lessons by rushing to the edge of our property and, without any explanation, taking pictures of the children, and then the license plates of their cars like they were drug dealers. Every night there was drilling into the walls between our homes  or hammering on them, and we never knew if or how he was trying to sabotage our systems. We spent thousands in legal fees just to protect ourselves.

As I began to ask myself who was this guy, and why was he doing this, I found in public legal records that he had a long record of defiance to authority, with a couple of dozen violations, including jail time, for various disputes with neighbors seemingly everywhere he’d lived since adulthood. Simultaneously with his dispute with us and the landlady, he was on trial for phone harassment of his wife, and in a domestic violence dispute with a girlfriend he’d been with less than a month. He sought out potential violations by other witnesses in the neighborhood (such as expired license plates), and threatened to expose them if they testified. He went after the Home Owners Association President, an African-American, by making racial slurs in the presence of her daughter. He went after the county enforcement officials and tried to get their bosses to fire them; he went after the lawyers for conflicts of interest; he tried to get judges removed from his trials. You get the point.

The pressure on us grew more dispiriting, or perhaps I should say dark-spiriting, as months went by with no resolution. And we found ourselves increasingly turning to prayer for deliverance, as we felt imprisoned in our own home, never knowing what we would have to defend against tomorrow. And, as necessary, we were indeed delivered. In a couple of cases, traps laid for us were thwarted by unlikely coincidences. But the darkness, though warded off, was always present.

And then, in one of those deep prayer experiences, I heard in my mind my enemy’s soul cry out in an agony to God to be delivered from the darkness that enveloped him. I do not believe his physical form recognized what his own spirit was doing; he seemed to love the darkness and would cling to his cellphone (from which he harassed victims) like it was a totem of power he could not be without for even a moment. But I heard the Holy Spirit answer: “He is forbidden to remain as he is.” And the word “forbidden” carried all of the undeniable weight of a requirement to choose salvation or doom.

A few days later, entirely unbidden, while I was still trying to understand in my own mind the previous experience,  I heard his soul cry out again that he would be lost. And equally unbidden, my own prayers suddenly changed.

Instead of praying that God would get this guy off my family’s back, I found myself praying that God would get that darkness off this guy’s back. Because I saw that there was truly a predator, and my neighbor was the unsuspecting prey. And I was weeping for him, and praying as hard and as intensely as I have ever prayed for anything in my life.

It was the first time in my life that I truly loved my enemy.  Not decided that someone wasn’t really my enemy (six months after he finally left the neighborhood, he came back to see if sabotage he’d previously prepared for the air conditioning unit had, in fact,  caused the system to fail, leaving new renters he’d never even met sweltering in a summer heat wave for two days). Not just trying to treat my enemy with justice. Not simply restraining my self-defense. For once, I knew what it meant to love an enemy, even knowing he would remain my enemy, and that the existing situation was forbidden to continue.

But why was it only “for once”? What makes it so hard for me — for us — to stay in the loving attitude that the fate of the soul of my enemy (let alone the soul of a stranger or a friend) is of eternal significance even if I must oppose that enemy with all my might?

That seems to be something to spend some time contemplating as we remember this weekend a day of great violence.

He is getting his temple recommend renewed. He has his humble face on. He has paid up his financial obligations to his children. He is going through the outward steps of repentance again, assembling the props he needs to act the perfect husband. But this time it is not for me, it is for her.

He is telling her that he wants the white picket fence, the family and a dog. He couldn’t have told her how the most significant times when his abuse became physical were when I was pregnant. I don’t think he has drawn that connection, himself.

Nor could she know that after he kicked the cat into the wall in front of my child, I knew I would never own a pet again. Or how he let me believe for three months we were trying to get pregnant again, when he had obtained a vasectomy a year and a half before. Or of the last time, after his reversal surgery worked and I was pregnant again. How that time I stood my ground and refused to leave the house and my other daughter alone with him when he was angry. How I then knew I could never dare to have another baby. Nor could she know that he left me, and I, in agony, decided not to let him come back. He believes now that our divorce was entirely my decision, that the years of his threats are merely my imagination.

He has gone through his “full-disclosure” phase with her, I’m sure. She can’t know that it is a smokescreen. He uses honesty as just another tool. I wonder if he told her the same things he told me. I would guess he’s only disclosed the things that he knows I am aware of. That way, he is inoculating her against future revelations. Anything he does not think she will find out on her own is still safe behind his silence.

I’m sure he has told her that he stole from me while we were married, siphoning off marital funds towards his hobbies since he has admitted that much to me. He could not have told her the extent of it; he doesn’t know I know about the thousands of dollars over the course of just a few years. Nor could she know how often I went without because our finances were so tight, how my daughter wore ill-fitting second-hand shoes because that was what we could afford. Nor that most of my “extra” money now goes into the money pit fixer-upper house that he wanted and left me with, half undone and unsafe for children.

He has told her that I am intelligent and a great mother. He has no right to tell her that, not after the years of lies told to the people who could have been my friends. He told them then I was mentally unhinged, unsafe for my daughter, suicidal. What right does he have using me to make himself look good now? What a wonderful person he is to speak so highly of his ex-wife. Never mind my loneliness because of the picture of me he painted for the world. Forget the confusion and desperation I felt when I tried to make friends only to be treated like a nuclear bomb about to go off. Never mind the public record that shows he thinks me an adulteress, a psychopath and a lawbreaker. Now, he can use my virtues to exalt himself to her.

Should I tell her how when I dressed up and tried to make myself attractive, his Internet or movies or car were more interesting? It was when I felt my most ugly or ill that he used me. Or perhaps I could tell her how he would pressure me into doing things that made me feel dirty and cheap, how he would spend hours on the Internet researching how often sex should be done in order for me to be a good wife.

Would she want to know that if he does not get enough sex, his aggression builds up? Perhaps I should mention the unutterable pain I went through every time, until childbirth made it easier for me. The pain that he used to convince me I was an utter failure as a wife. The pain I squashed down so that I could perform the way a wife is supposed to perform.

She sits across from me, confident, smiling. To her, life is still a series of decisions that she can make. She hasn’t yet faced a life that will always be tainted, somewhat, with another person’s choice.

I used to wonder why liars were listed with murderers and adulterers. Now I know. Now I see that for him, lying is not a behavior, it is who he is. His lies penetrate so deeply under his skin that even he does not know what is truth any more. That is part of why he is so believable: he is always, utterly sincere.

I look at her and my heart tears. One part wants to scream at her to run away while she still can. The other part, rational, knows that she will never believe what I have to say, and sees that she will make about as good of a stepmother for my girls as can be hoped for. That part also reasons with my emotions, pointing out that by telling her what I have lived through, I weaken the shield I have carefully built out of his ignorance. If he begins to see how much I know, he will realize he can no longer lie to me, and my children and I will be in danger again. For now, while he is pursuing her, he is satiated and happy, and has no reason to attack me and mine. For now, there is some level of peace.

The rational part wins. It wins a lot lately, despite the rampant strength of my feeling side. As she hints around aspects of my relationship with him, I tell her that before I talk about it to her, I want her to go and pray and find out by the Spirit if she really wants to know.

She wants to get to know me, to offer the olive branch because, as she says, we are sisters in Zion. After she leaves, I begin to realize that by making the first move to build the bridge between us, she can know what a wonderful person she is. She and he are the magnanimous couple, having used the Atonement to wash away their sins, benevolent in their cleanliness, bestowing blessings on the poor, foolish, damaged ex-wife. She does not know the raw pain of the Atonement for me, or the hard lessons the Lord has been teaching me as He helps me put my life and myself back together. She doesn’t know how much happier, stronger I am now, and wiser, though I have so much more to learn. She doesn’t realize that I always intended friendship with whatever girl he ends up snaring. She will need a friend when he puts the props away and begins to act himself again.

Readers, what is your reaction to Leah’s story?  How can we balance the principles of forgiveness, repentance and the Atonement when faced with a person wielding unrighteous dominion?

How can we help those around us who are victims of misplaced gospel principles (such as family, the temple covenants, unity and selflessness in marriage, priesthood, honesty, forgiveness, etc.) especially in cases of abuse?

What does it mean to truly repent and forgive? How can we allow the Atonement to heal us when we have been (and are being) seriously wounded by another’s exercise of agency?

When Jesus was suffering on the cross at Calvary, those who put Him there surrounded Him to mock Him. They jeered, “If [thou art] the King of Israel . . . come down from the cross, and we will believe . . . .” (Matt 27:42)

I have emerged from the other end of a marriage that stripped me of my ability to trust myself. It is taking hard work to believe the things that I have survived. I have been accused of things I did not do in a court that seemed sympathetic to the other side. I have learned how to live with a measure of real and daily fear. I have witnessed almost every purpose of my life crumble in my hands. I have not, by any means, lived through the worst that life has to offer, but I have lived through my lot only to be confronted by those who cannot understand and so do not believe me.

My faith has also been left exposed to the elements, raw and aching. I have difficulty knowing what to believe or what to do. I have been confronted time after time with the choice to take the emotionally easy road, to accept what life is telling me, or to take a tiny, twisting and seemingly treacherous path without knowing for certain where I am going or if I can get there. So I think I understand a little better than I did those people who ask for proof.

I have noticed that sometimes those in scripture who ask for proof are given exactly what they ask for, such as Barak with Deborah, the people of Zarahemla, and the those of Ammonihah, while others are left to work out their uncertainty. Often, those who are given the sign they are seeking find that it doesn’t really change their opinions, in the end.

Perhaps the story of this type that I resonate best with is the tale of the man with the palsied son. When told that his son could be healed if he believed, he cried to Jesus, saying, “Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief!”

Time upon time as I have found myself weeping bitterness into my abused pillow, I have cried these exact words in my heart, yearning to feel the fruits of my faith. I ache when I see so many people here on the Internet crying out because they have found themselves at a point in their lives when they just stop believing in the gospel as presented by the LDS Church. I ache because I have looked into that abyss myself, and felt its depths.

The classic analogy to illustrate how that feels is the scene from Indiana Jones when his father lays dying behind him and he is faced with a choice of faith: to walk into a seemingly bottomless chasm, or to turn around and let his father die. He makes that choice, and luckily it works for him. One thing that is poignant about that story is that he almost fully expected to die when he took that step, but he took it anyways because the alternative was worse.

To me, this is raw, living faith. Right now, I am standing at the other end of a failed marriage, and almost every one of the things I have dedicated my life to lie crumbled at my feet. But I don’t keep going to Church and praying with my Father in Heaven because I know that things will work out for me or because I feel as though who I am now has anything to do with the Church and my ward. I pray to my Father and continue going to Church because the alternative—to give up on my dreams and turn my back on what I know (and I do mean know)—is far, far worse.

I don’t know what my future will hold. I don’t know what my Father has in mind for me. But I know Him, and I choose, with eyes open and fear in my heart, to trust Him. I will not wait to believe.

When we lived in Saudi Arabia a few years ago, I obtained a faculty position in the fairly newly-formed department of Health and P.E. at a university which was strictly segregated by gender.  The women’s side of the university operated independently, with our own female custodians, technical staff, professors and administration,  and very little oversight from the male president.  Our department consisted of five women, and we made all decisions collectively, with no titular head.  After the first semester I was there, one of our staff meetings was dedicated to the question of whether we should have a department head.  Being the newest addition to the faculty, I had little say in this decision, but I did bring up the point that we had successfully administrated the department jointly, and I questioned the necessity of one department head.  It would completely change the group dynamics that we had experienced as a body of women removed from a patriarchal hierarchy and which I very much enjoyed.  The reply from all of the rest of the women, though there had been no problems thus far, was that “you HAVE to have a leader,” that one person MUST be in charge of any organization.

At the time I was struck by how much this assertion resembled the one I have heard from many Mormons justifying the hierarchical, patriarchal system in place in the Church, both within the institution and within our individual families.  The argument seems to be that harmonious resolution of difficulties is impossible without one leader to make final decisions.  I am not entirely sure I agree that no other model beside the “one-leader rule,” or what I will here call the “kingship” model is viable in administrating a successful community.

The kingship model of administration appears to have been particularly desirable throughout history.  It seems obvious that strong personality types would desire to set up a system of governance where they were in charge of making all the decisions.  But the scriptural record and our OT SS Lesson #21 show that groups of people also wish to configure their communities under the supervision of a king.  1 Samuel 8 recounts the story of the Israelite people, dissatisfied with judges and prophets, clamoring for Samuel to get them a king.  Their reasoning is found in verse 20: they want to be like the other nations, they want one strong leader to judge them, and they desire to be under the protection of a military commander who will lead them in battle.

Passages in the Book of Mormon also describe this desire of the general population to set up a monarchy.  In Mosiah 23 the people want Alma to be their king because of their great admiration for him.  In 3 Ne 7 a league of tribes attempt to establish a kingship in order to overthrow the tribal system of government then operating.  In Alma 51 there is also an attempt to overthrow the current leadership and inculcate a kingship, inspired in part by pride and aspirations to nobility.  In each case in the scriptures where there is a desire to crown a king, it is denounced as contrary to the ideals of freedom.  Several reasons are given in these passages as to why kingship is considered malapropos:

• It is a rejection of divine rule in favor of human rule (1 Sam 8:7)
• A king would allocate human and natural resources to his own advantage (1 Sam 8:11-17)
• One man should not think of himself as being above another; kingship gives those of high birth unfair power and authority (Mosiah 23:7; Alma 51:8)
• Not all kings can be trusted to be just (Mosiah 23:8,13,14)
• A king can oppress people and lead them into iniquity (Mosiah 23:12)
• A monarchy is not a free government (Alma 51:6)

Based on a true story. Names and details changed to protect privacy. Part 1 is here.  Part 3 is here.

Chapter 8

I’m suing the church.

My word, Cary. That’s not what I expected to hear from you today.

No, it’s not exactly what I expected to say either.

Please tell me about it.

My parents—Melody and Scott—got hold of my father’s statement to the police.

And . . .

And he told them what he did to me.

He told them everything?

No. He said he stopped about five years ago.

And that’s not true.

No. He might have changed his routine back then, but he didn’t stop.

Strange. Strange that your father would disclose to the police as much as he did.

Yeah. I don’t think that even now he understands how serious this is.

At any rate, what does your father’s confession have to do with you suing the church?

Oh yeah. About the time he changed his routine, apparently he had gone to his bishop and made some sort of confession.

I see.

And the bishop . . .

And the bishop didn’t tell anybody.

He didn’t report it to the state?

No. Nobody. This is the first we’ve heard of it.

So your parents . . .

They’re pissed. It’s a good thing we can’t have any communication with my father right now. That’s probably the only thing keeping him alive right now.

Melody?

Yeah. Mom totally wants to kill him. I knew she would. When she’s not in a rage, she’s crying all over the place. It’s like she’s taking all this harder than I am.

You don’t mess with a mother tiger.

No doubt, especially if that tiger is my mom.

What about Scott?

He’s ticked off too. But he’s not sitting back and crying, or raging for that matter.

How’s he handling it?

He wants people to pay. He wants my father to get locked up—forever, if possible. And now that he’s heard about the bishop, he wants to sue both him and the church.

So Scott encouraged you to find an attorney?

Actually, he found the attorney, set up the appointment, and we all spent about three hours in his office last week.

Sounds sort of like Scott is pushing the lawsuit.

Yeah, sort of.

Is that what you want?

I don’t know. It’s really weird, Doc.

What’s weird?

I’m not sure if you know how it is for a lot of Mormon guys, but the church is like everything for us. Up front and center our whole lives. Primary, priesthood, young men’s, scouting, dances, mission, tithing, temple. You know . . . everything.

And now?

And now I go from all that to like suing the church in one week. It’s like I’ve gone instantly from church supporter to enemy. I feel like I’m turning apostate or something. It’s totally weird.

Cary, I wouldn’t imagine that the people in your ward are going to . . . going to be supportive of your lawsuit.

Oh, I know. It’s already happening. On Sunday, Dad told the bishop what we’re doing. I was sitting there in Sunday school and the bishop walked right in and said, “I need to speak to Cary Child right now.”

I take it that sort of thing is unusual.

Way! He never does that. His voice was like . . . like I knew exactly what he wanted to talk about and I knew right off the bat that he was pissed. I felt like a kid getting called into the principal’s office.

What did he say?

He basically said I was on a dangerous road, that if I pursued the lawsuit, one way or another, I’d find myself outside the church.

I see.

Yeah. And he said I need to forgive my father. You know, turn the other cheek, and stuff like that.

Mm-huh.

Then he told me I need to work on my own issues.

Your own issues?

Yeah. I didn’t exactly tell you. It’s kind of embarrassing.

You don’t need to tell me if—

No. I’m way past that now. Remember when I told you that Jeanette’s getting married?

Yes, of course.

Well, that’s when all this abuse stuff came out.

That’s when you told the bishop that your father had abused you?

Yeah. But that’s not what was worrying me when I went to talk to him.

What was worrying you then?

Remember when I told you that my father used to bug me about “resisting temptation?”

Yes. You said he was referring to masturbation.

Yeah, well. I didn’t. I mean . . . I didn’t resist.

Mm-huh.

In fact, I didn’t resist at all. I did it all the time. And I always made dang sure I did it before going to his house.

And that was because . . .

Because I wanted to prove to him that I hated what he did . . . that he didn’t turn me on . . . that he couldn’t turn me on.

But it didn’t work out like that?

No. It just made him mad. But he wouldn’t stop. He’d tell me that I need to resist temptation. I told him to leave me alone, but it was like he couldn’t hear me.

Sounds terrible.

Oh, man. Talk about guilt. Every time I did it I felt like I was going to hell. I told myself I was only doing it to keep him away from me. But that wasn’t true. I kept on doing it even when he wasn’t around. And the worst part is that I did it on my mission. One time I went two months. But it got to where I couldn’t even breathe.

That’s a long time.

You don’t know what it’s like to be telling people they need to be morally clean before they can get baptized. And the whole time you’re . . .

You have a very strong conscience.

Not strong enough to keep me from doing it. After I finished my mission, I just kept on. You know, by then it was a habit.

Mm-huh.

That’s why I went to see the bishop. I figured it was time to come clean. I didn’t want to mess up Jeanette’s temple experience.

I see.

Yeah. I had been lying about it at every worthiness interview I’d ever gone to.

You mean . . . your church leaders actually ask you if . . .

Some would ask right out. Some would kind of talk around it.

That seems a rather personal thing, doesn’t it?

Way! But I guess it’s part of the interview.

So, a while back, you went to your bishop and confessed that . . .

I told him what I’d been doing. So that’s when I told him about the abuse.

And what did your bishop say?

He said I needed to stop or I couldn’t go to the wedding. He told me I couldn’t take the sacrament until I had gone a whole month, and that I needed to check in with him every week at church.

Cary. I’m not sure if you know this, but masturbation is a fairly normal thing, especially for guys.

Yeah, well. Living together is a fairly normal thing too, but that doesn’t make it right.

I’m not trying to change your beliefs, I’m just suggesting that maybe, in the grand scheme of things, perhaps masturbation isn’t that big of a deal.

Second to murder.

What?

Second to murder. That’s what it is.

That’s what what is?

Adultery.

Mm-huh.

And when you think about adultery, that’s just the same as doing it.

That’s a pretty high standard.

That’s ’cause it’s a pretty serious issue.

I may be wrong, but I’m not sure anybody can live up to that standard.

The scriptures say you’ll get “cut off” if you don’t stop.

Cut off?

Yeah, cut off. Get the picture?

I must admit . . . that’s not a picture I’m likely to forget.

So anyway, now you know.

Cary. If it’s all right to change the subject, you said the bishop told you that you have to forgive your father.

Yeah?

Yeah, well, you don’t have to forgive him.

Forgiveness is a commandment.

Another difficult commandment.

Are you saying I shouldn’t forgive him?

Not at all. I’m just saying you have a choice in the matter. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. You can choose whether you’re going to forgive or not. You can choose not to forgive and hang on to your depression, your pain, your self-doubts, and you’re self-loathing. Of course, if you choose not to forgive, you’re also choosing to continue in a hurtful, hateful relationship with your father. If you choose not to forgive, your father will continue to have power over your life and you’ll continue to feel miserable.

Choose? You really think I’ve chosen all this crap?

No, Cary. But I want you to understand that how you deal with it now does involve choice.

Some things are unforgivable.

Yes. Absolutely unforgivable. And yet, somehow, someway, people manage to forgive the unforgivable. Quite frankly, I don’t know how they do it. If you were my son and someone had hurt you the way your father hurt you, believe me, forgiveness would be the last thing on my mind.

Sort of like my mom?

Yes. I bet I’d feel like she’s feeling. But I’ve been in this chair long enough to have witnessed the power of forgiveness. Cary, I don’t have fairy dust that I can magically sprinkle on you to make you feel better. But that’s okay. You don’t need fairy dust. I believe that somehow, someway, you will forgive your father, and a miracle will take place when you do.

A miracle?

People talk about a ton of bricks lifting from their shoulders, about emerging from darkness, rising from the depths of the sea, when they forgive. They use powerful metaphors because the experience is so profound.

It doesn’t seem fair.

What doesn’t seem fair?

That I should have to forgive?

Cary. You don’t have to forgive. You can hang on to the pain and the hurt and anger as long as you want.

But I don’t want it. I want him to have it. I want that ton of bricks on his shoulders, not mine.

That does seem more fair, doesn’t it?

Yeah.

Because he hurt you.

Yeah.

But it doesn’t work that way. Those bricks are yours. You can’t make your father carry them for you.

That makes sense. I couldn’t make him leave me alone either.

Your father’s got his own bricks to deal with. Hanging on to your bricks doesn’t do anything to your father. It just gives you a heavy load to bear.

I’m not ready.

It may not feel like you’re ready.

No, I’m really not ready.

I’d like you to repeat a couple of sentences and tell me what you feel in your gut when you do.

Okay.

All right. Say this: My father hurt me.

My father hurt me.

Now sense what’s going on inside you.

My guts get tight.

All right. Now say this: Even though my father hurt me, there’s a part of me, maybe just a small part, that wants to forgive him.

That’s a lot to remember.

I’ll say it again: Even though my father hurt me . . .

Even though my father hurt me . . .

There’s a small part of me that forgives him.

There’s a small part of me that forgives him.

Now dig deep. What happens deep inside when you say a part of you forgives him.

I get lighter.

Lighter?

Yeah, my stomach calms down. It’s like those bricks you mentioned, like some of them floated away.

Yes.

But they’re back again.

You replaced them.

Yeah, like my mind didn’t want to stay on the forgiving part.

Your mind went back to . . .

To the part about my father hurting me.

And that’s okay. You let go of some bricks. Even if only for a moment, you let go of them. Some people say they just give the whole ton of bricks to God, all at once, and he takes them away. And other people give away a few here and there. And over time, their load lightens.

But what he did wasn’t right.

And if you forgive him then . . .

Then he might do it again.

Wow! That’s a scary thought, isn’t it? Let me say that again to see if I get your meaning. If I forgive my father, then he might hurt me again. Is that it?

Yeah, that’s it. Is that stupid or something?

Not at all. But remember what happened just a moment ago when you said that a small part of you forgave him?

Yeah, I remember.

What happened?

I felt better.

Yes, you said you felt lighter.

Yeah.

He didn’t hurt you again, did he?

No.

No. He didn’t hurt you again. In fact, he hurt you less. By forgiving your father, he loses his power to hurt you. By forgiving, you separate yourself from the power your father continues to hold over you. By forgiving, you free yourself.

I’ve never thought of it like that.

Cary, I can’t predict what your relationship with your father is going to be like in the future. I can’t predict what he might say or whether he will ever try to set things right with you. But you and I both know that he’ll never sexually abuse you again.

Yeah, I know.

Say it. My father will never sexually abuse me again.

My father will never sexually abuse me again.

I won’t let him.

I won’t let him.

My body is mine.

My body is mine.

No one touches me against my will.

No one touches me against my will.

How’s that feel?

Feels good. Feels powerful.

Yes. You are good and powerful.

No, Doc. That’s where you’re wrong.

I don’t think so.

Remember when I said some things are unforgivable?

Yes, I remember.

Well, forgiving my father may be easier than  . . .

Than what?

Maybe I’m unforgivable. I knew it was wrong and—

Your father knew it was wrong, too.

It’s not just that.

What? What is it?

My body. My body . . . responded. In spite of everything I did or tried . . .

And because your body responded, that means . . .

It means I must have liked it.

You didn’t want your body to respond.

No. I hated myself. It made him think I liked it when he touched me.

But it did respond and because it responded, you feel that your body betrayed you.

Yes! Exactly!

All right. Let’s follow that line of thinking a bit further.

What do you mean?

I’m mad at you. So mad at you that I’m going to stand up and punch you in the nose. And your nose is going to bleed all over.

That will be the day.

Just play along with me for a minute.

Yeah. Okay.

So with your nose bleeding, are you mad at your nose?

No.

Is it your nose’s fault that it’s bleeding?

No.

Whose fault is it?

It’s my shrink’s fault. He wigged out and punched me in the nose.

Did you want your shrink to punch you in the nose?

No.

Did your nose betray you by bleeding?

No.

Who betrayed you?

That would be you, Doc.

Yes, that’s right, Cary. Your nose responded the way noses respond when they’re assaulted. That’s what they do.

But when . . . if . . . you punch my nose, it hurts.

And . . .

Yes?

Well . . . when he touched me, it didn’t hurt.

Cary. You can say it. When he touched me, it felt good.

Damn. You don’t know how gross I feel to even think about saying that.

Yes. It felt good. Sexual organs feel good when they’re stimulated. Noses feel bad when they’re punched. That’s just the way it is.

I didn’t want to respond.

Of course not.

Your body did not betray you. It did what it’s designed to do. That’s all. Can you let that idea into your heart for a while?

I’ve hated myself for so long.

Who betrayed you, Cary?

He did. My father betrayed me.

Yes. Your father betrayed you. Your body did nothing wrong. You don’t need to forgive your body for responding. Your body responded the way it was designed to respond.

You’re right, Doc. You’re totally right. And even though I know you’re right, I’m still so totally pissed at myself.

Give it time. You’re doing great work here. Hard work. Trust me. In spite of how you may see yourself and how you may feel about yourself right now, those feelings will change. You’re a remarkable young man.

Yeah, right.

You know, I have this image in my head . . . a dream maybe . . . something I look forward to experiencing with you some day.

Oh, yeah. What’s that?

Someday . . . sometime in the future . . . not too distant future, I hope, I’m going to compliment you. You know, I’ll say some outlandish thing like, ‘you’re a remarkable young man,’ or ‘I admire you for your courage’ and you’re going to nod your head and say, ‘thank you, Ryan.’

Dream on, Doc.

I will. Believe me, I will.

Chapter 9

Brother Child, when I look at you I see a good man. A husband, father, active church member . . .

You’re expecting me to finish that sentence, aren’t you? You want me to tell you about my dark side, don’t you? My Mr. Hyde.

I just don’t understand.

I’m not difficult to understand. I’m really an open book. I love my son.

Yes, but—

That’s all there is to it. I love Cary. If I have a fault, then loving him too much would be mine. After the divorce and after Melody married that man—it was awful. I’d lie awake at night. Imagining my little buddy living with his mother. Knowing that she was filling his mind and heart with poison. Poison against me. And I vowed that I’d do whatever it took to show him how much I love him. And when he’d come over for the weekends, I’d see his longing, his need to be held. I’d hold him close to me, give him back rubs. And then . . . that’s when it went too far. It shouldn’t have happened. But I love him so much.

What about your daughter, Brother Child?

What about her?

Did you . . . did you give her back rubs?

I don’t mean to be sexist, but girls are different.

Different?

Oh, that’s right. I almost forgot. You’re not married, are you?

Not yet. I’m engaged.

Then you don’t really know yet, do you?

Know what?

Brother Simpson, I could never bring myself to tell my children the truth about Santa Claus.

Excuse me?

Some things you’re better off finding out on your own.

For example . . .

Let’s just say that marriage . . . may not . . . shall we say . . . fulfill your expectations.

But . . . I seem to recall you saying that you and your wife are happily married.

We are. Although I must admit things have been a bit shaky recently.

So if you’re happy, or at least have been over the years . . .

You’re an intrusive young man.

Comes with the territory, I guess.

All right, then. I’ll tell you because I like you. But before I do . . . would you mind if I refer to you by your first name?

No. Not at all.

Why the change?

I’m just coming to see you more and more as a peer, and I don’t like the distance I feel between us when I call you Brother Simpson.

That’s fine, Brother Child.

Please. Please call me John.

All right then. John.

Kent, I want to say this delicately. But I’m not sure I’ve got the skills to do so.

I’m sure you’ll do just fine.

Thank you. Well . . . here it is. There’s more to marriage than sex.

Mm-huh.

My ex-wife . . .

Melody.

Yes. Well . . . she didn’t seem to understand that fact. Terribly needy woman. If you catch my meaning.

Yes, well . . .

I’m sure it sounds funny to you now. Before you get married and all. But just remember what I told you. I can see it in my head now. You’ll be sitting somewhere, doing something, six months from now, and you’ll remember this conversation, and the light will go on. You’ll smile and say, John was right. I should have listened to my friend, John.

John?

Yes?

As a counselor, self-disclosure is . . .

Go ahead, Kent. Feel free.

I’m not even sure if this is exactly self-disclosure. But anyway . . . I have a brother.

Yes?

He’s 16. Sophomore in high school.

Yes?

Yes . . . well. Last week . . . he finally held a meeting with my parents. He . . . he told mom and dad that he’s gay.

And?

And . . . well . . . he’s talked to me about his feelings for a couple of years. But . . . this is the first time he’s brought it up with mom and dad.

And your parents?

Well. Let’s just say it didn’t go well.

No, of course not. It never does.

Then . . . you . . . I’m just wondering.

Wondering what?

I’m just scared, I guess. Scared that my brother. I mean, it seems likes there’s no options for him. Mom and dad made that totally clear. So what’s he gonna do? Go on a mission? Get married? Then what?

Then he’ll molest his son. Is that what you’re afraid of?

I mean . . . if he’s not allowed to be gay. I don’t know. I look at the mess with all those Catholic priests and I just wonder.

I don’t know about those priests. I don’t know about your brother. But one thing I know for certain. I’m not gay.

But—

I’ve never had relations with a man.

Brother Child—

Exactly. That’s who I am. Brother Child. Husband, father, priesthood holder, first counselor in the bishopric. Did you hear me describe myself as a gay husband, or a gay father? How about gay priesthood holder? Doesn’t work, does it?

Child molester doesn’t work either.

How dare you! How dare you throw those words at me!

Those are the words we use to describe adults who molest children. Cary has made it clear and you’ve made it clear that . . . The shoe fits, Brother Child.

You’ll push your damn shoe on my foot whether it fits or not. Another piece of your puzzle smashed into place. John Child, the poor repressed fag who turned on his son. John Child, the sex offender—that is the way you think of me, and don’t you dare deny it.

Brother Child, I’m not here to judge you.

Oh, for heavens sakes. Do you think I’m a fool? Of course you’re here to judge me. That’s all you do in that cushy chair—that JC Penny suit and polyester tie. All day long, judge, judge, judge. I’m sick to death of it. Please stop! You make yourself look so foolish when you spew such drivel.

I’m sorry. Yes. You’re right. Of course I judge. But I want to understand.

Yes. So you can help your gay little brother. Help turn him away from the atrocity sitting in front of you.

Perhaps I shouldn’t have told you about—

It doesn’t matter. None of it matters.

That’s not true.

Brother Simpson. You’ve made it abundantly clear what you think of me. You may even be right. But I refuse to participate as you dissect me so you can save your brother’s soul. ‘Hey little brother, let me tell you about Sodom and Gomorrah. Let me teach you how to avoid the pitfalls that ensnared John Child.’ Well while you’re teaching him, you can teach him that nothing matters. In the end, he’ll have nobody and be nobody. Everyone’s going to hate him. Even his shrink. That’s what you can tell him.

There’s a difference between being gay and being a child molester, don’t you think?

Brother Simpson, let me ask you this? According to your understanding of church doctrine, where will the unrepentant sex offender end up?

In prison?

You know what I mean. After death.

The Telestial Kingdom.

And the unrepentant gay man?

The same.

So where’s your supposed difference?

I see your point, but—

If there’s no difference in degrees of glory, then perhaps there’s no difference.

That’s ridiculous. Of course there’s a difference. I could just as easily ask you about the unrepentant liar or unrepentant thief. They’re all destined for the Telestial Kingdom.

How does it feel to group your little brother with liars and thieves? Does that fill your soul with warm, fuzzy feelings?

I don’t like this any more than you do.

So go tell your brother he needs to repent like liars and thieves. Tell him he needs to somehow stop being who he is. And let me know next week who he’s become. Come in and tell me that he’s dating a cute girl and your parents are worried he might go too far.

I wish I could.

Yes, you wish you could. You pray, you fast, you plead, you beg, you bargain, you pretend, but at the end of the day, you’re still you. Nothing changes. Never does.

To be continued…

Based on a true story. Names and details changed to protect privacy. Part 2 is here.  Part 3 is here.

Chapter 1

Come in, John.

I’d prefer you call me Brother Child.

Welcome, Brother Child. Please sit down. Most of my clients call me by my first name, Kent.

May I call you Brother Simpson?

Yes, certainly. Brother Simpson works as well. What brings you to family services today?

That’s a grand question. I imagine I could spend the whole hour attempting to fill you in on all the craziness in my life right now. But to be totally honest, coming here is not exactly my idea of a good time.

No?

Not at all. My attorney recommended I get counseling. He says it may look good in court.

Let me guess, Brother Child. If the court is involved . . . divorce and custody issues?

No. Thank goodness, no. Nothing as serious as that. In spite of the accusations, my wife is sticking by me like a true saint.

Accusations?

Yes. It seems that recently my ex-wife and perhaps her husband have been stirring up some rather nasty rumors. No, I take that back. Incredibly disgusting rumors. Of course, my wife and bishop and everyone in the ward have been completely supportive. It’s no secret my ex-wife is still bitter over the way things ended between us. And she’s been in counseling for years now. Last I heard, she’s on two or three different meds for bipolar disorder. Higher than a kite one minute and then, for no reason at all, she’s in a flying rage or she’s locked herself in the bathroom, sobbing. So melodramatic. Ten years of her mood swings. It was truly hell—if I may use that word here.

Sounds like she’s really suffering.

The kind of suffering that makes everyone else suffer. I’ve been reading up on her case recently. Yes, she’s definitely bipolar. But she’s also classic borderline. I’m sure you know the type. I hate you, don’t leave me sort of person. I managed fairly well with her until I found out about the affair. I’m forgiving by nature, but that was too much even for me. Hence the divorce. Nine years later than I should have, I might add. Job couldn’t have endured as well as I. Anyway, she’s hated me with a vengeance ever since. She ended up marrying her fling, just to spite me.

How long have you been divorced?

Let me think. The divorce was finalized the same day I baptized my son, Cary. And he just returned from his mission a few months ago. So that would make . . . oh my! My math skills have always been atrocious.

Baptized when he turned eight?

Yes, of course.

Thirteen years, then?

Yes, I believe that’s correct. Thirteen years.

And your ex-wife. What’s her name?

Melody. A most discordant Melody, I’d say.

And Melody’s still stirring things up, as you said, after so many years?

Outrageous, isn’t it? I wish you could meet her. But then again, I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy, let alone on a brother in the gospel.

Chapter 2

Hello, Cary.

Dr. Wright. Nice to meet you.

Please call me Ryan.

Ryan, huh?

Yes. The doctor thing gets in the way for some people. And I like to think my clients and I are on the same team working toward common goals.

You are a doctor, aren’t you?

Yes. Ph.D. Psychologist.

Huh. Ever since my mom made the appointment for me, I’ve been imagining this guy with a goatee in a white coat and a big couch I could stretch out on. No goatee, no white coat, no couch, and you want me to call you Ryan. Man, I had it all wrong.

Sorry to disappoint you, Cary.

It’s cool, Doc.

All right, then. So since your mother scheduled the appointment, she must have thought . . .

She thinks I’m psycho. Always has. But more psycho than usual lately. And I’ve given her plenty of proof.

I want to hear more of what your mother thinks in a while. But right now, I’d like to hear from you. What do you think, Cary? What’s going on?

She didn’t tell you?

Melody only said you need someone to talk to—that you won’t talk to her, your stepfather, or to anyone.

My dad.

Excuse me?

My dad. Technically, he’s my stepfather, but I call him Dad. Scott’s his name. He’s what a dad’s supposed to be, so that’s what I call him.

All right. Dad it is then.

My biological father gets the title of Father because that’s what he is. He doesn’t deserve to be called Dad. Somehow he managed to help get me to Earth, but . . . anyway . . .

And what’s your father’s name?

John. But it’s not a name I like to use.

Oh?

No. He made me call him John even when I was a kid. Said we were buddies. John and his little buddy, Cary.

I see. Would you like a drink?

Coffee? No thanks.

Can I get you something else?

No. I mean no thank you.

Is it all right if I drink coffee in front of you?

Sure, man, but . . .

What is it?

You’re not LDS then?

No, Cary, I’m not. I’m not LDS. I’m not Baptist either. I don’t have six kids. I’m not a woman. I’m not dying of cancer. I’m not a twin. I’m not a Viet Nam vet. And I’m not gay. I’m none of those things. And yet I work with people who are those things. I’m not here to be you, Cary. I’m here to be with you, to relate to you, to empathize with you, to share a bit of your journey with you. And as a human being, I can do that, LDS or not.

I’m not sure you want to do that, Doc.

I don’t want to . . .

You don’t want to share my journey, as you say.

That’s why I’m here, Cary. To empathize, to go there with you.

Do you believe in hell, Doc?

Why do you ask?

Because if you want to go there with me. I should tell you up front, you’re gonna go to hell.

Chapter 3

So Brother Child. I took a moment to review my notes from our first session.

Yes?

Yes . . . well . . . I’m still unclear on exactly what you hope to gain from counseling.

Oh? I thought I made that perfectly clear. Counseling will show the judge I’m working on . . . on my issues, I suppose. Whatever that means.

Yes, that’s where I’m unclear. What does that mean?

Listen, Brother Simpson. In spite of what you may think, I’m not a total fool. I know perfectly well that people like you talk to the court and talk to bishops. For all I know, you’ve probably been discussing my every word at your family dinner table.

No, Brother Child, you are not a fool. And because you’re not a fool, I know that you know that I would never discuss my clients with my family. And as we reviewed last week, confidentiality is a cornerstone of my profession, but it is not ironclad. I am a state mandated reporter, and I have on occasion—not often—phoned the authorities. And in your case, if your attorney suggested that you receive counseling, it would make sense that your attorney and the court may seek verification that you have actually participated in counseling.

I simply don’t like any of this arrangement.

If that’s the case, Brother Child, perhaps we should hold off on counseling for now. After all, you’re not a court-mandated client.

Court mandated! Why would you say such a thing? Who have you been talking to?

I’m simply pointing out that you came to Family Services voluntarily. Counseling is meant to be therapeutic, not coercive or uncomfortable. And it seems to me—

Are you trying to get rid of me?

Not at all, Brother Child.

You are! I can see it in your face. You don’t like me.

I assure you—

Listen, young man. I’m old enough to be your father. I will not be cast aside like a piece of refuse.

Then you’d like to continue counseling?

Whatever gave you reason to believe I didn’t?

Brother Child, may I suggest that we both breathe deeply and we’ll start this session over again.

Why yes, Brother Simpson. I just love breathing exercises. I’ve studied abdominal breathing for years. May I lead?

Chapter 4

Cary, I’ve spent a lot of time thinking of you this past week.

Waste of time, I’d say.

To the contrary. The more I considered you, the more obvious it became that you’re hurting—hurting a lot. And I was impressed with the courage you showed by coming into my office and initiating the counseling process.

Hurting? Yes. Courage? If you knew me at all, Doc, courage is the last word you’d use to describe me.

You’ve not dissuaded me of my opinion, Cary, but I’m wondering if you wouldn’t mind telling me how it is that I see you as courageous and you . . . apparently . . . don’t.

Where should I start?

Perhaps with the events that led to your coming here.

All right then. Remember that I told you that my sister got engaged?

Yes. Jeanette, right?

Yeah.

Mm-huh. You said the wedding would take place in the Logan Temple.

Yeah, well. The temple’s what got me all freaked out in the first place.

Freaked out?

I don’t know how much you know about us Mormons, but before we can go to the temple, we have to have a temple recommend.

You mean the little card that you use to gain entrance to the temple.

Yeah, you know a lot, don’t you?

I work with a lot of people.

Well, to get the card, you have to have some interviews, one with the bishop and one with the stake president. Some people call them worthiness interviews. Well . . . the first interview . . . the one with my bishop . . . that’s where it all started.

You’re doing fine, Cary.

No, Doc. I’m not doing fine. I’m a nut case. Good thing I don’t drink, ’cause if I did, I’d be a total drunk.

Cary, if talking about this subject is going to be . . . traumatizing, we don’t have to go there. Perhaps we could—

No, Doc. The whole world knows. Just go to You Tube and type in World’s Biggest Loser.

You’re joking, right?

Yeah, I’m joking.

I’m not laughing.

You will be. Just wait till I tell you. You’ll laugh at how wrong you are about me. I’m not courageous, Doc. I’m a coward. A piece of . . . garbage. And when I tell you the truth about me, you’ll throw me out of your office, just like you would any other rotting piece of garbage.

No, Cary, I won’t.

I’ll save you the trouble, Doc. I’m walking out on my own. Now you won’t have to throw me out. Thanks for trying.

Cary, please stay.

Save your breath, Doc. I get the same feeling here I always get in my worthiness interviews.

What feeling’s that?

I’m not. Worthy, that is. Never have been. Worthless is more like it.

Cary.

Forget it, Doc. I’m not worth the effort.

Chapter 5

Brother Simpson, since I was a child, I’ve believed that honesty is the best policy. And I’ve lived my life by that principle.

That’s commendable, Brother Child.

Yes, well. I’m really no different than the stripling warriors. I’ve always stood for truth. And I’ve managed to do it even without my mother’s help. It’s not that I’ve led a perfect life, but I’m a firm believer in confession and repentance. Heaven knows where I’d be without repentance.

We’ve all sinned. Beating ourselves up over our sins seldom does any good.

I couldn’t agree more. But, from what my attorney tells me, repentance and confession doesn’t mean a lot down at the courthouse.

I’m not quite following you.

It seems the state is pressing charges against me for some struggles I’ve had in the past—struggles I’ve long since taken care of through repentance.

Please continue.

I’m convinced that my ex-wife is the instigator here. My son is loyal to the core. He would never turn against me.

Your son?

Yes. Cary.

What’s Cary got to do with the charges?

It seems Cary made a statement to the police.

And?

And . . . well . . . then the police pressed charges.

I see. What are the charges?

It pains me to even consider the words. I can hardly utter them out loud.

Charges of a . . . a moral nature.

A moral nature?

Yes. It seems my ex-wife—that bitter hate filled woman—has filled Cary’s head full of lies.

If I’m hearing you right, you’ve been charged with a sexual offense?

Offenses apparently.

Brother Child, those are very serious allegations.

Yes, yes, I know. Felonies they tell me. For goodness sake, Brother Simpson, do you have any idea how humiliating this whole fiasco is?

I’m very sorry.

I’m the first counselor in the bishopric. People in the ward look up to me. They listen when I speak. They laugh when I tell jokes. I get inspiration in my calling. That’s proof that whatever I may have done in the past is forgiven. No offense, but I’m not the one who needs counseling. Melody! I can’t believe her shrink didn’t see this coming and stop her. After all these years, she continues to ruin my life and my talking to you isn’t going to change that fact.

No. But talking may help you sort out your feelings.

My feelings and I have always gotten along just fine without you. I’m sure we’ll do the same in the future. Speaking of inspiration. This whole thing’s silly. I don’t need to be here. I refuse to participate in something I don’t need.

Well then—

There. I feel so much better getting that off my chest.

I’m very—

Good-bye. Oh and one more thing. Don’t you dare breathe a word of this to your supervisor or anyone else for that matter.

Chapter 6

Cary, I’m so happy you decided to come back.

Yeah, well. My mom twisted my arm and . . . anyway . . . here I am.

Yes. Melody called and told me she wouldn’t leave you alone until you promised to see me again. She loves you very much, you know.

Yeah. I know.

And she’s very worried about you.

Hmm.

She said you hardly leave the house anymore. Sleep till noon. Seldom shower.

So she told you I stink, huh?

Not exactly her words. She said you’re depressed.

Yup. No doubt.

Cary, I hope you don’t mind, but Melody also told me about the . . . the abuse.

No. I don’t mind. Everybody else knows.

I’m sorry. I’m so very sorry.

Doc?

Yes.

What is it? You can say it.

Do I look like a fag to you?

First off, Cary. No one looks like a fag to me. Second, what makes you ask such a question?

Cut the crap, Doc. You know why. Do I give off vibes? Do I come off queer or something? Is there something about me that . . .

That made your father . . .

Yeah. Did he look at me and . . . Am I a fag, Doc? That’s my question.

Cary. I think you know that your sexual identity had nothing to do with the abuse.

But he never touched Jeanette.

That says more about the nature of your father’s illness than anything about you or your sister.

Illness. You make it sound like he caught a cold or something.

I don’t mean to—

But maybe you’re right, Doc. Maybe he’s got some sort of freakin’ disease, and he’s contagious, and maybe he passed it on to me. Or maybe he could see that I had the same disease before he even touched me. Maybe he looked in my eyes when I was born and saw a little fag. You know. Chip off the ol’ block.

Cary, I get the impression that you have an overwhelming need to beat yourself up over this issue.

Duh! That’s no impression. That’s fact. Of course I’m beating myself up. What else should I do?

Well, for starters you might recognize that you were a young child when the abuse started. How old were you the first time?

I was eight.

Eight’s awfully young.

Dad had just baptized me. I knew right from wrong.

You also knew your parents love you and they would protect you from harm. You probably knew they would die for you to keep you safe. You knew you should do what they tell you to do.

When my father calls me, quickly I obey.

A church song?

Mm-huh. One of my favorites until . . .

Your father is an adult. He’s the parent. He was in charge. This is something he did to you. He violated you, your body, your trust, and he violated his role as your father.

But I wasn’t always eight.

No, but you were always the child.

Child? You call nineteen a child?

Is that when he stopped?

When I went on my mission. Seemed like the only way to get away from him.

I’m very sorry, Cary.

He didn’t want me to go. I mean, he was proud and all that stuff. But he didn’t like losing his buddy.

He told you that?

Yeah. In a weird way, he told me.

Weird?

He gave me a . . . a father’s blessing.

A father’s blessing?

Yeah. He put his hands on my head and told me I had become a man. I pretty much knew what that meant.

What did it mean?

He was through with me. Then he blessed me that I’d be strong. Be able to resist temptation.

Resist temptation?

Yeah. That was his way of telling me to . . . to keep my hands off myself.

Off yourself?

Yeah. You know. That I shouldn’t . . . touch myself.

You mean sexually?

Yeah. You know . . .

Masturbation?

Mm-huh.

Yeah. He taught me all about it when he first started coming into my bedroom. Said it was evil . . . Satan’s trick . . . stuff like that.

And yet, for your dad, molesting you was okay?

Father. Not dad.

Sorry.

Yeah. He said he was helping me so that I wouldn’t be tempted to touch myself.

Wow!

Pretty twisted, ain’t it?

I’m sorry, Cary. Sorry for all you went through.

Doc, I don’t mean to be rude. But I can see that you’re trying to pin this all on my father. And I don’t see it that way.

It’s quite normal for victims to blame themselves.

Well maybe that’s ’cause victims could have stopped it and didn’t.

You’re right, Cary. I am, as you say, pinning this all on your father. But, you seem intent on blaming yourself. I’m not going to join you in the blame, but maybe we could explore what prevented you from telling somebody what was going on.

You mean like my mom?

Yes, like your mom.

For one, I couldn’t tell her because I didn’t want her to go to jail.

Jail?

Yeah. She was always telling me and Jeanette that if somebody ever hurt us, she’d kill ‘em.

And you took Melody’s words literally.

Oh, my mom’s a literal woman. Believe me. You don’t want to piss her off. And you definitely don’t want to hurt Jeanette or me, or even look like you’re hurting one of us. Man! I remember her ripping into some schoolteachers once or twice.

So if you had told her . . .

Then my father would have ended up dead, or short his whacker at the very least.

Very devoted mother. Any other reason you wouldn’t tell her?

Yeah. I didn’t want her to blame herself.

And why would she blame herself?

You don’t know my mom. She always blames herself. Every little thing we do and she’s saying, “Where did I do wrong?” She’s blaming herself now because I’m so messed up.

Mothers are often good at blaming themselves.

Yeah. And she used to make me go to his house.

Make you?

Yeah. Like I didn’t want to go. And she’d say, ‘Cary, he’s your dad. You need to spend some time with him. ‘ I’d argue sometimes. Tell her he wasn’t my dad. Scott’s my dad. But arguing with Mom only makes things worse.

So, by not telling your mom, you prevented murder, and you protected her from the way she’d blame herself. Pretty solid reasons, I’d say.

There’s more, Doc.

Please tell me.

Have you ever thought about what it would be like to have a father that thought you were more attractive than his own wife?

No, Cary. I can’t imagine.

Neither could I. But he wouldn’t let me forget it. He’d say the worst things about her. About her looks, her hair, and her body. Not just her. He said that girls are smelly and dirty. He even showed me some bizarre stuff from the Bible. I didn’t get it at all, but he said if we were living right, we’d live separate from girls. He told me to never tell mom about the things he said. He said she’d get too angry. He was right. Mom would have flown right off the handle.

I’m sure you’re familiar with the phrase Catch 22.

Yeah, sort of. No matter what you choose, you’re screwed.

Is it possible that by not telling, you chose a path that kept your father alive and protected your mother’s feelings? And even though it wasn’t a good path for you, it was about the only option you saw at the time?

Don’t even go there, Doc. You’re right that I couldn’t have told my mother. But that doesn’t mean I had to let him touch me. I could have smashed his face with a brick. I could have stabbed him with the pocketknife I kept in my bed.

What was that song you were singing?

Screw the song.

Cary.

No, Doc. I wimped out. A hundred times, I wimped out. Don’t try to make me look like I’m a hero or something. I was a punk. Dad’s little fag punk. That’s all there is. That’s probably all there ever will be.

Cary.

I’m not listening to you, Doc.

Cary, I’m not going to—

I’m not listening.

Cary. That’s enough.

No, Doc.

Listen to yourself. You’re standing up to me. Defying me. That takes some courage, doesn’t it?

Oh, yeah. Like you’re gonna smack me or something.

Cary, I like that you can stand up to me. But this constant beating yourself up . . . You can beat yourself up the rest of the week if you want to. But not here, not now. I won’t be party to it.

Then I’ll leave.

I want to see you again next week.

Yeah. Well . . . we don’t always get what we want, do we, Doc?

Chapter 7

Brother Child, I know you told me not to speak to my supervisor, but we counselors always seek out supervision. It’s part of our practice.

It’s all right. At any rate, it doesn’t matter. I have nothing to hide. I shouldn’t have stormed out of your office. I’m sorry.

Don’t worry about it. You’ve got a lot on your mind now. And you’re very stressed out.

Yes, that’s certainly true.

I need to tell you what my supervisor said.

By all means.

He thought that perhaps, under the circumstances, you might be better served with . . . with specialized counseling.

I’m afraid I’m not following you.

You know. Some people have very specific problems and some counselors are trained to deal with those specific problems.

Brother Simpson. Regardless of what problems I may or may not have, I chose LDS family services because I knew I could talk with a counselor who shares my own values and beliefs.

And I can appreciate that. But the court isn’t going to be concerned about your religion as much as it is the charges against you. And the court will want to know if you’re addressing the issues that brought about the charges.

You’re assuming I’m guilty!

Here. Here’s some tissues.

I can’t believe this is happening. What was I thinking? What have I done? What have I done to myself?

Perhaps, under the circumstances I could refer you to one of my colleagues who specializes in . . . sex offender treatment.

Just like my attorney.

What’s that?

You’re just like my attorney. He recommended that I receive . . . that type of counseling.

That does seem to be most appropriate, don’t you think?

You don’t understand. I couldn’t make him understand either.

Understand what?

I’ll speak slowly. Then maybe you’ll be able to get it. Sex offender counselors treat sex offenders.

Brother Child you just admitted—

It’s not like that. Whatever your dirty mind may be thinking, it’s not like that.

Please help me understand.

I’m a good man. I help people. I serve others. I do temple work.

The state is not pressing charges for any of those things, Brother Child. The state seems to think—

I know what the state thinks. I shared everything with the woman from the sheriff’s office.

You shared everything?

They already knew. Cary told them everything. They showed me his report. I’ve never lied about this to anyone. I’m not a liar.

You told the state that you molested Cary?

I hate that word.

What word would you like me to use?

I didn’t molest him. It was never like that. We simply have always shared a special bond together.

A bond that’s resulted in criminal charges.

Charges, yes. But they haven’t convicted me of anything.

I’m a bit confused. You admitted your guilt at the sheriff’s office, but now you’re . . . you’re . . . I’m not sure what.

I don’t expect a court of law to be able to understand. But I do expect you to understand. That’s why I came here in the first place.

You came here because . . .

I came here because you believe in the atonement like I do. You believe in repentance like I do. You believe in confession like I do. I’m sure you’ve sinned and then repented and felt the power of the atonement in your own life, haven’t you? Well . . . haven’t you?

Brother Child. The court is not going to be impressed with how many sessions you’ve had with this agency. They’re not going to be impressed with your descriptions of repentance. Wouldn’t it be in your best interest to seek out specialized counseling?

This is all so easy for me to see. Why can’t I make you people understand?

I’m listening.

Seeing a sex offender specialist is like admitting I need help for . . . sex offending.

And . . .

And I don’t. That was a long time ago. I’ve taken care of it.

What did you do to take care of it?

I confessed all of this to my bishop years ago.

Oh . . . I see. Then . . . then the charges against you . . . they’re not new?

They are new.

Forgive give me, Brother Child. But if you confessed this matter to your bishop years ago . . . How many years was it?

About five.

All right. If you confessed this to your bishop five years ago, why is the state just now getting involved?

Don’t you get it? I repented. You, of all people, should be able to understand. I repented. The bishop helped me fix the problem. It’s over. It’s done.

But . . . What about the church’s abuse hotline?

What about it?

When you confessed to your bishop, didn’t he call the hotline?

Yes. He told me he did.

And . . .

And the church told him to help me repent.

But . . . that’s not the purpose of the hotline. The hotline exists to tell bishops how to report abuse.

Have you ever called the hotline?

No. I’m not a bishop. But I am a mandated reporter. In fact, I’ve already made a report to DCFS concerning you. I have no choice in the matter. That’s the way it works in our profession.

That may be the way it works for you, but not for bishops.

So you’re telling me the church advised your bishop to help you repent?

Yes. That’s what the bishop told me. And that’s what the bishop did.

He didn’t tell your wife?

Of course not. It had nothing to do with her.

He didn’t tell your ex-wife?

Thank goodness, no. The bishop’s not a stupid man. He knows full well how Melody is.

He didn’t inform her bishop?

Why would he?

He didn’t tell anyone?

Listen. The state may have turned you into a mandated tattletale, but the bishop’s office is still sacred.

I’m not certain, Brother Child, but your bishop may have acted inappropriately.

How dare you! How dare you question a bishop! I can assure you my bishop acted strictly within church guidelines.

Regardless. You got a call from the sheriff’s office because . . .

Because the mother of my children continues to interfere with my son’s life. I’m sure she saw an opportunity to hurt me. And she forced Cary to be subjected to a police interview—several for all I know. That’s why the sheriff’s office called.

I see.

Yes, it’s all very simple.

And so . . . you don’t want to receive specialized treatment because . . .

No. You really don’t see. I don’t want to receive specialized treatment, as you call it, because it’s over. It’s history. I take the sacrament every week.

And you’re still in the bishopric?

Until last Sunday. The bishop said he had no choice in the matter. But that’s just a formality. As soon as this nasty mess blows over, I’m sure I’ll get my calling back.

And yet, you’re taking the sacrament?

Why wouldn’t I?

I’ve still got my recommend. Here, let me show it to you.

That’s all right, I believe you.

No, I really need to show you. See. Signed, dated, still current.

Brother Child—

I’m attending the temple every week like I’ve always done. And I’ll be attending my daughter’s wedding in a few months.

But surely the church is initiating proceedings against you.

Brother Simpson, you don’t seem to be hearing me. I have no issues with the church. I cleared all this up.

I’m hearing you, but I’m not sure I understand. Normally, in a case of . . . of this nature . . .

I’m not sure you know what normal is in the church. But you’re young. How could you know? I’ve served on a high counsel. I know how these things work. Allow me to explain.

Please.

The church refrains from holding disciplinary counsels when legal cases are pending.

That doesn’t sound right.

I assure you. I’ve seen this type of situation three or four times.

All right. Perhaps. But in this case—in your case—you said that you confessed everything at the sheriff’s office.

Indeed I did.

So as far as the church is concerned—

As far as the church is concerned, I’m innocent until proven guilty. And as I already told you numerous times, I’m innocent because I cleared up everything with my bishop long ago.

All right. Looks like we’ve come to the end of the hour. You’ve given me lots to think about. And I am definitely reviewing your case with my supervisor.

Please do. Like I said, I have nothing to hide.

I must confess to you, Brother Child, maybe I’m in a bit over my head. I’ve never dealt with such a case before. You may be better served with a more experienced counselor.

No, Brother Simpson. I grown quite comfortable with you. In fact, I like you. I really like you.

to be continued…

Although I agree with Elder Oak in principle, I suspect that some of the decisions that I make will be of this more negative order.  Moreover, these will most probably be the more painful of the two types.  Lets consider the possible impact in Abraham and Sarai’s lives (and these might be possible questions to raise in SS if you can get them to cover this episode):

• How did Sarai feel about Abraham’s choice?
• How did Abraham feel about his choice, especially as he became wealthy as a result of such an act?
• Did they tell Isaac?
• Could Sarai have refused and how did Abraham feel about her not refusing?

Now if Nibley were here he might argue that this is merely a devilish trick to make us choose between two equally evil propositions (which is worse crack or heroine), but there is always a third choice.   If this is true then what was Abraham’s other choice?

Finally, is there any possible spiritual benefit in such choices?  Can any good come from them?

To my mind I feel that my life is a constant series of these types of choices and thus I am constantly given the choice between conflicting options that inevitably will lead to some negativity.  Perhaps I am just a half-empty kinda guy but I feel for Abraham.

My questions then are these:

Are there situations where there are only choices which are bad, worse and worst? Or can we always escape such decisions?

If so, is this possible a spiritually useful situation or do we just have to move through such experiences seeking forgiveness where we can?

Our ward realigned ward boundaries a few months ago, and we got a new bishopric, as well as a new Elder’s quorum presidency.  With all the changes, I had a few months in which I was not a home teacher.  I was given my list of 3 families to visit.  Two of the three families were fairly active.  The other name on my list was just a name, I’ll call Ted.  In December, our bishopric asked all home teachers to pick up a 2 liter bottle of root beer to distribute to our families.

I visited the apartment of Ted in December.  He wasn’t home; an older woman (who I assume must have been his mother) answered the door in a walker.  My list showed Ted had not been visited in over a year.  The woman said Ted was not there right now, thanked me for the root beer, and explained that she would have invited me in, but she was sick and didn’t want me to get sick.  I asked if she preferred I stop by unannounced or set appointments, and she said it was ok to drop by in the future.  She explained that they didn’t go to church very often, and Ted often worked Sundays, but I was welcome to stop by again.  (Normally home teachers have partners, but I haven’t been assigned a partner yet.)

So, I dropped by again in January to meet Ted.  He didn’t invite me in, but we talked on the cold porch for about a half hour.  I soon realized as I talked to Ted that he was mentally ill.  He confirmed my suspicions when he told me that he heard voices, had anger issues, and suffered from depression.  I asked if he lived there with his mom, and he confirmed that he did.  He explained that he could afford to live in the apartment by himself, but her social security check made it easier to make ends meet.  He said that when the time comes for his mother to die, he might go live in a mental health facility.  He mentioned that he made a living on disability checks–he had been declared mentally disabled due to depression.

In the half hour I talked to Ted, he told a series of strange, but probably true stories about his life.  He had been married once, but left an unfaithful wife.  In response, he got drunk at a bar, and was angry enough to fire a gun.  It was unclear to me if he was firing the weapon at someone or not, but he was arrested and spent time in the LA County jail, where he was physically assaulted by inmates (I’ll spare some gruesome details.)  This is what caused his “anger issues.”  He also mentioned that he was surprised that a mentally ill person could get a gun in California, and then proceeded to fear that Pres Obama was going to take away his gun.  (If anyone needs a gun taken away, it is this man.)

While he had some pretty colorful language he was friendly enough.  He asked where and when church was, and said he would like to come.  However, when he learned that church meets at 1 pm, he didn’t like that time of day.  He has a sleeping disorder, and often is asleep at that time of day.

While we all need God in our lives, I’m not sure that church is a good place for this man to be.  The thought crossed my mind to invite him to church (before he volunteered to attend), but after hearing all these rambling statements, I did not feel I wanted to expose my family to him.  It is obvious he needs serious mental health help.

I’m not sure how to help this man as a home teacher.  I guess my inclination is to visit him monthly, and listen to him, but I have no idea how to handle the situation.  He seems quite unstable, and I feel like he has the potential to cause harm to church members–frankly I didn’t like hearing that he owned a gun and had anger issues.  He was very rambling in his conversation.  So, the question comes to mind, “What would Jesus do?”  Aside from heal him of his mental illness, I have no idea.  How would you handle the situation?

I admit that I believe in God, but for the purposes of this post I want to suspend that belief.  The reason being that I want to compare it with believing in Santa Claus who I know is not real.

The article argues that although some people are against teaching our children something that is false, there is some evidence to suggest that it might serve some important functions.  Believing in Santa helps to teach the importance of reciprocity in relationships, it assists in the development of imagination and helps children cope with stressful situations.  But are these reasons sufficient to teach your child about God even if you knew it was wrong, and more importantly maintain it.

But is such belief a form of abuse, as Richard Dawkins argues.  When asked about the sexual abuse of the young by religious leaders, Dawkins replied that ‘horrible as sexual abuse no doubt was, the damage was arguably less than long-term psychological damage inflicted by bringing the child up catholic [or in any other faith - my note] in the first place’ [2].  Dawkins also believes that God should be given up at the same time as Santa Claus.

I would be horrified if someone believed in Santa past the age of 16, but I am not sure I could go so far as to say it is a form of child abuse.  I have a friend with a bright child who ‘figured out’ that Santa was not real and to prove it he set up a video camera watching the tree over Christmas Eve.  Knowing what was happening, the father arranged for a member of the Ward to dress up as Santa and bring the presents around.  Now, I personally do not agree with this, but I am not sure it is abusive.  If this continues then I would fear socially for the child, but the same could be said about believing in God.

So is believing in God a form of child abuse, assuming God is not real?

Notes

1. Gail Vines, The Santa Delusion: Is it harmless fantasy or cruel deception? in New Scientist, 22/29 December 2007, pp. 36-7

2. Richard Dawkins, The God Delusion [London: Bantam Press, 2006] p. 356.

A child is born in Bukavu

A child is born in Bukavu, and sadness fills his mother’s heart… Bukavu is not the city of David. It is a town in the eastern part of the Democratic Republic of Congo. War has been ravaging the country for years. Ever since Kabila invaded the former Zaire with military support from the US. It is a war that no one speaks of – but it has cost the lives of millions of people and caused unimaginable suffering.

The child’s mother is a young girl, a daughter of the area. This young girl is named Maria.  Maria was a girl like most any other girl in her town. She walked miles for water, she helped her mother with the cooking and she also tilled the land. She learnt how to read in primary school, but ever since the war her parents no longer could afford to pay her school fees. Maria was a believer in the Christian gospel – and went like all other young girls her age to church on Sunday.

Church was a mud hut with a roof made out of straw. There on Sundays, the kids would gather to learn about God. The preacher, an older man with glasses and graying hair, would always talk about God’s love for humanity – and that God once, long time ago, had come to the world as a male child to save humanity. In church, she had also learned some words of English. She knew that when you greeted someone, you had to say: “Good morning, class”. 

The morning breaks

That was then. Prior to the attacks… One day, as the morning broke and shadows gathered, foreign soldiers drove into town. The houses were set on fire. The adults were gathered on the square and the older men were executed one by one. This is how Maria lost her father – and she and her mother witnessed it. The soldiers held their heads for them to watch. Maria was afraid. After having seen the murder of her father, they also separated her from her mother. She was chosen from among the young girls to follow a group of soldiers. One of them stripped her of her clothes and forced himself on her – he, subject to the commanders’ orders.

Now she held this young child in her arms. Her heart was filled with sadness, and she knew that her firstborn child would have given her joy under other circumstances. Some months after the soldiers left, Maria was chased away. The villagers who were left behind were ashamed of her and of the other girls who had become pregnant. These girls were a constant reminder of the day when the men in the village had been powerless – confronted with the threat and the fear of a gun. “Do not ever come back”, were the last words she heard as she was running for her life into the deep woods. 

Maria sings to her little child a song she learned many years ago: “Lullaby, lullaby, my little one. Lullaby, my child so dear. Thy precious life has just begun. Thy mother holds thee near”. And yet, she knows the words do not ring true. True, all life is precious. But not one soul will ever value the life of this child. Born of a violent union, unwanted by his mother, into a world where people willingly march to the sound of guns. What future can she promise him? What life can this child possibly hope to have? Even though she loves him, he is a constant reminder of what happened to her, and like the villagers who once chased her away she cannot find peace when she looks into his eyes. 

Its ranks are filled with soldiers, united, bold and strong…

Victory, victory… The guys were singing and shouting, drunken by their thirst for blood and proud of their conquest. Bukavu had been encircled, trapped, taken, raped and ravaged. The soldiers executed the orders of their commander and had in turn executed the elders of Bukavu – one by one. Herodes was the commander’s name. His boys feared him.

They were now men. They had proven it – to themselves and to him who had led them into victory. Joseph, one of the soldiers, the one who raped Maria, was nonetheless feeling some unease. In following orders, Joseph had forced himself upon this young girl. The others had told him that having sex with a virgin was going to save him from the disease that was making him weak, this pandemic they called AIDS. But more importantly, the others respected him now. He had become one of them: their partner in crime.

You are the man! We saw you, Joseph. You did it. You made her cry – you and your gun. You made her scream. The words were both making him feel proud and good about himself, but for one reason, unknown to him, they were also haunting him. Could he look at a woman again without thinking of the pain he had caused to this young girl – whose name he would never know? In order to survive – either you dominate or you are dominated, Herodes used to say. To rule, you have to systematically brake down the bonds that bind communities together. They need to fear you or fear will overtake you…

I am trying to be like Jesus

War does not bring out the best in us – it brings out the worst in us. True, some acts are acts of courage – but aren’t those heroic acts always associated with saving lives, and not with taking them? Fear begets fear. It is the opposite of love. Misery begets misery. It is the opposite of joy. Violence begets violence. It is the opposite of peace.

The nativity story told the world of a little baby boy, born to Mary, a girl chosen among other girls to be the mother of a Savior, rejected by men and yet, many are they who believe he is their safe ticket to heaven. The story from Bukavu is the story of a little baby boy, born to Maria, a girl chosen among other girls to be the victim of a soldier, so he could gain accept in the eyes of his comrades, so he could become a man, taking by force what he believed was a safe ticket to health.

Jesus taught us that he was not Herodes. “My kingdom is not of this world: if my kingdom were of this world, then would my servants fight, that I should not be delivered to the Jews: but now is my kingdom not from hence.”  Jesus was nonviolent. Not exactly what you would associate with being a King. He was God. He was love, both long-suffering and kind. That is why he came to earth as a man and not as a woman: not because God favors men, but because the concept of what it means to be a Man on earth is so contrary to what it means to being God in heaven – who Mormons believe is male. Be kind, as a child, he said to them, and loving as a hen gathers her chickens:

“O ye people of these great cities which have fallen, who are descendants of Jacob, yea, who are of the house of Israel, how oft have I gathered you as a hen gathereth her chickens under her wings, and have nourished you. Yea, how oft would I have gathered you as a hen gathereth her chickens, and ye would not. O ye house of Israel, whom I have spared, how oft will I gather you as a hen gathereth her chickens under her wings, if ye will repent and return unto me with full purpose of heart”. 

Love one another

It was necessary for Jesus to come to earth in the form and shape of a male – to represent God as his firstborn son, the first among all great men, a king of kings. “Little children, a new commandment I give unto you, that ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another. By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another”.

The divine irony is the fact that Jesus exhibits throughout his life traits that we call feminine: peaceful, loving, kind, sharing, meek, forgiving, gentle, and caring. He helped the poor and he healed the sick. We crucified him, because he was a threat to men everywhere. He challenged the very idea of what it means to be a man: strong, violent, forceful, greedy, noisy, arrogant and proud. He challenged the way we think about achieving peace, not by dominating others before they dominate us, but by showing us a better way to freedom – paved with love and with sacrifice.

In short, this was the message Jesus gave to the modern House of Israel, to the modern sons of Jacob: “What manner of men ought ye to be? Verily I say unto you, even as I am.”  He showed all men an alternative masculinity – that of the nonviolent male who sides with the poor and the downtrodden. Come, follow me, the Savior said. 

For an alternative and nonviolent study of the Book of Mormon, mormongandhi is regularly publishing a study chapter on mormon nonviolence (latter day satyagraha) at http://mormongandhi.com. Each chapter follows the set-up of the Institute Study Manual of the LDS Church. In addition, you can share your thoughts and insights on the nonviolent readings of the Book of Mormon with other “peaceable followers of Christ” (Moroni 7:3) at the discussion forum (http://peaceablefollowers.wordpress.com) created in parallel to the “latter day satyagraha” site.

mormongandhi currently lives in Oslo, Norway. He has a BA in peace and development studies from Bradford University in the UK, where he studied religious peacebuilding, as well as a master’s in peace operations from GMU in Washington D.C.

mormongandhi is looking for alternative and more peaceful ways of thinking and living. He calls himself an advocate for nonviolence in the Restoration movement.

Recently I drove up Little Cottonwood Canyon with my brother and nephew.  This is the canyon in which many of your ancestors pulled out  the granite for the construction of the salt lake temple. As soon as we passed the granite facings on the side of the canyon my nephew played a song on his iPod by Corb Lund Brother Brigham Brother Young and it brought mental flashes into my mind of men working on the side of the mountain blasting granite out of it.    It made me think of the struggles that men and women had even back then with the faith in many ways very similar to our day. From what I have read Mr Lund isn’t LDS but has relatives that are. Im assuming one of his relatives is a historian buff? Its probably safe to presume this song will never be played in a chapel but I can’t help liking it!  You can listen to his song Here

Brother Brigham Brother Young

music and lyrics by Corb Lund

I have sinned so gravely Brother Brigham, Brother Young
I have sinned so gravely Brother Young
That only you can save me Brother Brigham, Brother Young
That only you can save me Brother Young

I have revealed the temples secrets Brother Brigham, Brother Young
The temple garments, oaths and secrets Brother Young
I have apostatized and doubted Brother Brigham, Brother Young
And borne my testimony falsely Brother Young

And I have loved a woman Brother Brigham, Brother Young
A woman in adultery Brother Young
I have also wed a negress Brother Brigham, Brother Young
My fifth wife has some color Brigham Young

I now see that you’re a prophet Brother Brigham, Brother Young
A living, breathing prophet Brother Young
And now I believe the revelations Brother Brigham, Brother Young
I now believe your revelations, every one

Even the ones beyond all reason Brother Brigham, Brother Young
Even the ones beyond all reason Brother Young
For you’re the Lord’s own earthly prophet Brother Brigham, Brother Young
And he’s simply testing in our faith o Brigham Young

My only hope for exaltation Brother Brigham, Brother Young
My only chance for exaltation Brother Young
Is to send me o’er the rim of the basin Brother Brigham, Brother Young
The rim of the Great Salt Lake Basin Brother Young

For water cannot save me Brother Brigham, Brother Young
Baptismal water cannot save me Brigham Young
My sins are just too deep a dye o Brother Brigham, Brother Young
My sins are just too deep a stain o Brother Young

So send Avenging Angels Brother Brigham, Brother Young
Won’t you send Destroying Danites Brother Young
To spill my blood upon the earth o Brother Brigham, Brother Young

So what do you think?

Do you find the song offensive?

Is it historicaly accurate of what may have happened to some of the saints in the salt lake valley?

Does it bare some similarites to what we have gone through in our day or not?

I have never even seen this done.  Therefore I thought I would include a short poll to see if you good folks have:

 [poll id="60"]

I hope John won’t mind me including the video here for you all.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ubZQ5TgFRac

If you were a Bishop, what would it take for you to ask someone to sit down or change what they were saying?  Is there anything that would cause you to do that?

• Doctrinal Disagreement (if so what kind?)
• Attack of a Church Leader
• Personal Criticism of a Member
• Swearing
• Drunk or on Drugs

For my part I disagree with someone after they had spoken if I felt that it might upset people.  For example, if someone declared Jesus to be a liar I might express my feelings to the contrary afterward.  I think personal criticism or swearing might be something which I might stop.  If they were drunk I could accept it as long as they did not do any of the other two.

What do you think?

As we have said multiple times, we delete or edit very, very few comments here at Mormon Matters.  This site was established to have an open forum for discussion among people with widely varying points of view and beliefs.  However, it was not and is not intended to be a site to spew bile, insult people and cast aspersions about others’ faith.  The rules are simple and few, and they can be summarized as:

Be civil.

Comment on the topic of the post.

Address what others say without disparaging them or their character.

Don’t blaspheme, use vulgar language, condemn – and don’t call people sinners who need to repent.

This is not a fourm for personal attacks, and it is not a forum for sweeping broadsides.

Disagreement is fine, even passionate disagreement, but ridicule and accusation and condemnation is not.

I wish this post was not necessary, but please understand one thing:

As much as we believe in the free exchange of ideas and beliefs, comments that are only condemnatory and add nothing to the conversation will be deleted.

If anyone has suggestions or concerns, feel free to comment.  Just do so within the rules outlined above.

Having said that, I need to point out that depression and issues relative to similar physiological difficulties that suppress our joy and impede our growth in this life can be an exception to that last statement. I hope NOBODY takes what I said above as a reason to feel guilty over their struggles to conquer those types of difficulties. I realize completely that there are some things for some people for which enduring to the end is the only course. That’s why medical help should NEVER be stigmatized in any way for depression or other similar challenges. If proper medication provides a degree of peace for someone, taking that medication is an act of establishing a degree of accountability that will be rewarded, imo.

I believe the whole doctrine of accountability is one of the most beautiful in Mormonism. It see it as so much more expansive than restrictive. We tend to focus on the “punitive” aspects of accountability (“You are responsible for the effects of your actions when you are accountable and will be punished for your mistakes.”), but we also should understand more fully the “merciful” aspects of that same principle. (“You are not responsible for the effects of your actions when you are not accountable and will be covered by God’s grace for those mistakes.”)

We understand and acknowledge openly the concept as it relates to the “extremes” (children and the mentally handicapped on one end; fully accountable adults on the other end), but we often overlook it when dealing with the “emotionally handicapped” and the “abused” and any others whose thoughts and actions are influenced by things they didn’t choose – things often outside their full control. We are learning more and more about how to treat these things, but I believe there are still so many manifestations of these types of issues which we haven’t even identified completely. Therefore, “Judge not” becomes an even more vital command.

Having spent much time talking with many people who struggle mightily with feelings of guilt and isolation and despair and unworthiness, I have come to believe that many of them do so largely because, to some degree, they are wired to do so (either at birth or through trauma) – that they simply can’t help those feelings of despair and guilt that arise out of unrealistic expectations. I believe strongly that those people are not “accountable” for their actions during those times of guilt and despair in quite the same way as others are without those episodes. I’m not saying that they are completely free from the responsibility to understand their condition and try to “repent” (simply meaning “change”); I believe all have the command to look inward at themselves, identify their weaknesses and strive to improve.  What I am saying is that “repentance” in these cases often is as much (if not more) about learning practical coping mechanisms (including taking medication) and proactively acquiring personal characteristics than it is about the classic “exercise of will” often associated with repentance.

If we understood more fully that accountability is the concept that allows repentance to be a positive thing (that we have been given the freedom to proactively participate in the progress of our souls – to construct a process of growth that includes almost anything that helps us become “righteous” (right / in harmony with God), I believe we could begin to tackle the “natural” guilt associated with the effects of the Fall in a much more productive and ennobling manner than we tend to do currently.  We could separate “sin” (for which we are accountable), “transgression” (for which we might or might not be accountable), “weakness” (for which we are not accountable) and “natural, mortal crap” (which just is, well, crap).

So, how do you think of accountability?  Do you see it as a positive or negative concept?  How do you think what we now call “disabilities” affect accountability?  Are there other things that you believe reduce or impact accounatbility?  What are some things that we often associate with sin and guilt that you believe should not be classified as sin and induce guilt?  How do you feel about taking medication to alter one’s natural moods and/or actions? What are any other implications of accountability that are not addressed in this post?

My home teacher (who is very cool) came by yesterday to drop off some starter cables for my car and as one does in that short interlude we discussed the celestial kingdom and being Gods after this life. He believed that those who don’t make it to the highest kingdom in the Celestial Kingdom won’t have any sexual relationships and if you don’t have sexual relationships their will be no need for sexual organs.

Its interesting talking about controversial stuff but I was finding this unnerving!!

Eunuch
1: a castrated man placed in charge of a harem or employed as a chamberlain in a palace
2: a man or boy deprived of the testes or external genitals
3: one that lacks virility or power <political eunuchs>

In both of these kingdoms [i.e., the terrestrial and telestial] there will be changes in the bodies and limitations. They will not have the power of increase, neither the power or nature to live as husbands and wives, for this will be denied them and they cannot increase. Those who receive the exaltation in the celestial kingdom will have the “continuation of the seeds forever.” They will live in the family relationship. In the terrestrial and in the telestial kingdoms there will be no marriage. Those who enter there will remain “separately and singly” forever. Some of the functions in the celestial body will not appear in the terrestrial body, neither in the telestial body, and the power of procreation will be removed. I take it that men and women will, in these kingdoms, be just what the so-called Christian world expects us all to be – neither man nor woman, merely immortal beings having received the resurrection. (Doctrines of Salvation. vol. 2, pg. 287-288.)

Joseph Smith said that even the telestial Kingdom was thousands of times better than this world and if we had a glimpse of it we would kill ourselves now to get there. I think many of us now would disagree with Joseph Smith Jr in light of reading the more current views of Joseph Fielding Smith.

In the family proclamation we learn that Gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose. But the family proclamation is not kingdom specific to whether will still have our male or female gender if we don’t make it to the highest kingdom of the Celestial Kingdom.

I thought I was being unique (pun) in this post but as I have researched,being a so called  EUNUCH is a phrase used in the Bloggernacle since 2006 its called  TK SMOOTHIE

It has two definitions

1. The logical conclusion for JFS, then, was to say that the people in the TK would not have male or female genitalia.
2. If a doctrine of the church seems like it has been created in order to “fix” or explain another, it might be a TK Smoothie. The TK Smoothie is eponymous for all doctrines that are probably bogus but exist in order to clarify some other doctrine or speculation.

Bishop Young Spanish Fork 401st Ward

In Mormonism, we have an expanded picture of life that extends before this mortal life and then on into the eternities. However, when you really dig into this, it turns out that we have very few details on what to expect after this life, and the details we do have come mostly from talks given almost 175 years ago. And to say that our expectations of ‘Heaven,’ have changed quite a bit since then is a gross understatement.

Despite all the speculation, one detail that we know for sure: unless you make it to the highest degree of the Celestial Kingdom, there will be no eternal sex. Basically, you’d be turned into a Telestial/Terrestrial Kingdom Smoothie (TK Smoothie). I like to imagine these lesser-Kingdoms as the Barbie & Ken Kingdoms. Everyone walking around looking beautiful and perfect for eternity, but having a smooth under-carriage like Barbie or Ken.

Parley P. Pratt

The object of the union of the sexes is the propagation of their species, or procreation; also for mutual affection, and the cultivation of those eternal principles of never ending charity and benevolence, which are inspired by the Eternal Spirit; also for mutual comfort and assistance in this world of toil and sorrow, and for mutual duties toward their offspring. Key to the Science of Theology, Ch.17, p.169

I would like to believe as Parley P Pratt describes that this mutual affection will not only be for this life but carried through to all the kingdoms after this life to all of our Brothers and Sisters who have lived on this earth.

Questions

1. If you make it to the Celestial Kingdom how would you feel when you visit a Parent, Grandparent, Brother, Sister, Son or Daughter in the Terrestrial Kingdom with out any Gender?
2. Do you believe Joseph Fielding Smith is correct?
3. Is there any current doctrine that overrides his beliefs?
4. If JFS doctrine is correct the word Brother and Sister takes on a whole different meaning in the Terrestrial and Telestial Kingdom?
5. Is it silly doctrine we should jettison?
6. If it is still true do you think if we emphasised it more it might motivate members to push harder for the Celestial Kingdom?
7. Doctrines of Salvation is most of it safe doctrine we can use in our talks and lessons ?  Is some of it suspect and if it is how do we know what that is? Do you think of it as interesting reading not really fiction but not really solid doctrinally? How would you describe it?

Mormon Matters Motto is Exploring Mormon culture in a balanced way- so bare with me on this one (excuse the pun).

Recently we have read that Utah has the highest rate of pornography per capita compared to all other states here

There has been a great deal of speculation about this on the bloggernacle. Could it be that Mormons have this penned up curiosity busting to get out (excuse the pun again). The internet has made pornography just a click away, not like in the days when you had to ask a grocery clerk to pull a magazine out from underneath the counter.

I sometimes wonder with all the emphasis on staying away from drugs, alcohol, pornography if it is causing a worse problem by bringing it to the fore front constantly to members minds.

For example don’t think of Christi Brinkley in a red dress, don’t think about hot percolated coffee, or an ice-cold beer. Could it be the more we constantly emphasize something the more good people who have been living a life of restricted behaviour all their lives start to feel they can’t do that forever without blowing up, then they cave in or take it underground?

Another view is of inoculation especially when it comes to nakedness or nudity. Christian nudist views are “Sexual decadence such as pornography and pedophilia (paedophilia) is the direct result of a lack of exposure to nudity in childhood (particularly of the same approximate age). This is most likely to occur when combined with other factors such as extreme parental attitudes (e.g. body shame) and social isolation. They believe that those that are raised their entire lives within Christian naturism should not have any temptation to engage in such behaviour “such as pornography.

Their experience and testimony is that complete nakedness does not incite individuals to lustful thoughts, unlike for example, a revealing skimpy top that exposes a good deal of a woman’s cleavage or a very short mini-skirt. When naked, all body parts are seen as equal and non-sexualised. When clothed, the focus is on the private parts that are partly revealed and thus objectified and sexualised

Everything you wanted to ask LDS Naturists but were afraid to ask?

Are there really Mormon Nudists?

How many active nudists are also active Mormons?

Where do you find other LDS members that have an interest in naturism?

Are there LDS naturist groups, clubs or organized activities that we can participate in?

How can you be a nudist and respect your Temple garments at the same time?

I know there are no scriptures or specific doctrine against it, but public nudity is just plain wrong – isn’t it?

Isn’t public nudity illegal?

Why get together with other LDS members?

Are Christian Naturists an anomalous group – acting ignorantly or in open defiance to their own doctrine against nudity?

Does “Body-Acceptance” place the flesh above the Spirit?

The church has given very clear council on modesty of dress – wouldn’t nudism be in conflict with that admonition?

Doesn’t being naked in close-company provide an excessive opportunity for temptation?

Click here for the rest of the questions and answers

A Utah Valley, Utah man writes about his first naturist experience…here

LDS Skinny Dipper Home Page here

Please leave a brief reply (sorry couldn’t help it)

In corporate America, misconduct is often characterized as a violation of a law, rule, regulation and/or a direct threat to public interest, such as fraud, health/safety violations, and corruption.  Whistle-blower protection is a serious concern as others inside an organization tend to “shoot the messenger” when it comes to whistle-blowers.  Major corporations are wise to provide options and multiple complaint mechanisms to handle internal complaints.  I work for one such organization.  There are many vehicles to handle internal complaints:  employee surveys, human resources groups (several different kinds), an ombuds office, online employee discussion forums that allow anonymous participation, and a very large compliance and legal department to proactively police regulatory issues.

In my experience, the vast majority of what gets reported as “misconduct” is really something else, such as:

• a complainant with hurt feelings
• the result of poor relationship or communication skills (either on the part of the complainant or a direct leader or some other third party); in some cases, this alleged misconduct is actual misconduct, but not always.
• a misunderstanding of what the laws and regulations are or what the supposed “misconduct” activity entailed
• an act of vengeance (e.g. the complainant hopes to exact revenge on another employee or leader using the complaint vehicle as a weapon)

That is not always the case, of course, which is why it’s worth it to sift through hundreds of complaints to find the one that is a real issue for the company and that requires intervention.  To the complainant, the complaint is very serious and needs to be resolved to their satisfaction.  In reality, it’s nearly impossible to separate the complaint from the complainant.  The more neutral the complainant, the more valuable the complaint.  Some of these factors make the complainant seem less neutral:

• The complainant wants something of personal benefit as a result of the complaint.
• The complainant is vengeful toward individuals they accuse of wrong-doing or there is a known personality conflict between them and an accused party.
• The complainant has a history of making complaints.
• If they no longer have any ties to the organization (an ex-insider), that complaint might also seem suspect to insiders, regardless of how neutrally the complaint is phrased.

So, when it comes to complaints within the organization of the church, how do we do?  Here are some areas where I think we do well:

• Complaints are handled at the lowest level possible.
• Complaints are generally handled in confidence (obviously, there are individuals who have blown this, but IME, local leaders tend to take confidentiality to extremes).
• There is a focus on accountability (LDS scriptures actually instruct members to handle personal conflicts between them and the other party).
• Actual misconduct complaints (e.g. fraud, legal, etc.) are generally taken very seriously and actions to remedy are easy to handle swiftly due to the lay clergy aspect of the church.

Where do we sometimes fall down?

• Females alleging sexual misconduct may find the process extra difficult due to the lack of female representation in church courts.  A female who already feels violated may have a difficult time in addressing an all-male leadership with painful details that are necessary to assess the situation.
• There is very little effective access to top levels of the organization.  This is really only an issue if the complaint is about local leadership or if the complaint has organizational implications.  We should bear in mind that this is how the Catholic church got into trouble over the priest molestation scandals–by pushing too much to local levels to handle and not realizing they had an institutional problem before it was too late.
• Organizations with deep pockets are often the target of spurious law suits which makes identifying the serious cases more difficult.
• Disclosures about financial and legal activities are either vague or considered confidential.  But again, this is often the case in a corporation as well.  While financial disclosure of a publicly-traded company is more open, airing dirty laundry over minor litigations is not.
• Local leaders may lack the skill to assess and deal with issues and may hold complainants at bay to cover their ineptitude.  They may use unrighteous dominion to punish the complainant.  And there is some open question about the church’s culpability when an untrained lay clergy makes a local error in judgment.
• Individuals feel guilty for complaining in a religious structure.  This is true of all churches, but added to it is our lay clergy.  It’s harder to complain about an unpaid volunteer.
• Whistle-blowers may not be taken seriously if they are not considered neutral or are frequent complainers.  But this is true in all human organizations, and is the basis for the age-old story The Boy Who Cried Wolf.  There’s sometimes a reason the messenger gets shot.

So, what do you think?  Do we do a good job dealing with complaints or not?  Do we do a better job with more severe complaints or minor issues?  What should we do to improve how we handle complaints or is the system working just fine?  Discuss.

The only time I have seen Big Love is on a transatlantic flight back home to Salt Lake.  My initial thoughts were how amazing to have a church just like ours (almost) right in our back door and no one seems to know of it, as they keep it fairly discreet on the show.

From what I saw these Josephites seem to be very similar (i.e. Family Prayer, FHE, Family Council, even similar programs and auxiliaries).  They even seemed to act like Mormons I grew up with.

Since there was a split of Josephites from the Brighamites, wouldn’t most of these branches have similar temple ceremonies to ours?  If so shouldn’t they be the ones who are offended, not the Brighamites?

Big Love episode draws criticism from LDS Church

Before the first season of the HBO series Big Love aired more than two years ago, the show’s creator and HBO assured the Church that the series wouldn’t be about Mormons.

Here

Big Love Series to Show Rites from LDS Temples

SALT LAKE CITY (ABC 4 News) – The HBO series “Big Love” will show its version of temple rites belonging to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  The episode is scheduled to air Sunday, March 15.

Here

‘Big Love’s’ promise to show LDS temple rituals has many crying foul

Richard Cowan, a BYU professor of church history and doctrine, said:  ”It isn’t something that we want to keep away from everyone who isn’t a member of our faith, but rather something we would like to share with those who are personally and spiritually prepared to appreciate it.”

Here

‘Big Love’ prompts LDS Church response and analysis

Certainly church members are offended when their most sacred practices are misrepresented or presented without context or understanding.  Last week some church members began e-mail chains calling for cancellations of subscriptions to AOL, which (like HBO) is owned by Time Warner.

Here

Please discuss anything and everything.

I am pro-choice for a number of reasons. First and foremost, I don’t like making personal choices for others, especially women, in the area of reproduction; Secondly, I belong to a religious faith that believes wholeheartedly that choice or agency is good and that not having a choice is bad.

Of course, some would argue that the choice comes from whether or not to have unprotected sexual relations when one is not in a position, such as marriage, to raise a child. That, after making the choice to have sex, if one were to find she is pregnant, the choice has been made and the child must be carried and brought to term. Frankly, I respect that train of thought as well.

I respect the fact that as a fetus grows in the womb, it becomes a person and that that life should be respected. There is no direct revelation as to when the Spirit enters the body. But, my reading of Genesis indicates to me that life truly begins when the “breath of life” is given.

And the LORD God ^aformed ^bman of the ^cdust of the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the ^dbreath of life; and ^eman became a living ^fsoul. (Genesis 2:7), see also (Moses 3:4-7, 19; Abr. 5:7, Gen. 7:22, Ezek. 37:5, Ezek. 37:10, Zech. 12:1, Rev. 11:11)

I will not address at this time the advancements of medical science that allows a fetus a chance of survival at as little as 25 weeks gestation.

My pro-choice position does not extend to late term or so-called partial birth abortions. I think that it is wrong to carry a fetus beyond three months and then decide to abort it. In fact, I deplore abortion at anytime. You could say that I am anti-abortion. For those on the so-called pro-life side, they would say you cannot be pro-choice and anti-abortion at the same time. But, too bad, I am.

I deplore abortion for the purpose of convenience or contraception.  I find it morally disgusting that, with methods available to prevent pregnancy including abstinence, there should be a demand for that use of abortion.  I support the use of abortion, as the Church teaches, for instances of rape, incest, health of the mother or, if a competent physician determines that the fetus has severe defects that will not allow the baby to survive beyond birth. But, even in those cases, it is not automatic, but should be done with thoughtful fasting and prayer.

I am also in favor of parental notification laws that require a minor female to get permission from her parents for an abortion. I see situations where a court may have to intervene but I believe those are rare.

Easy for me to say, I’m a man.

Getting back to the topic at hand, it seems to me that some groups are so adamant regarding their so-called “pro-life” position that it has become a religion unto itself. In many cases these are professed Christians and conservative in their politics.  So, on one hand, it seems ironic that some are so militant that they would bomb an abortion clinic and are willing to take another’s life (remember, “Love thy neighbor as thyself” and “Thou shalt not kill) in defense of their position. On the other hand, a tenet of the conservative political movement is less government intrusion in our lives, but yet it seems, they want exactly the opposite when it comes to abortion. Granted not all are that extreme.

There appears to be little or no discussion of what happens to children when they are born to mothers and fathers who don’t want them. There is a lot of talk about the 48M abortions that have been performed since Roe v Wade (National Right to Life.). It is a disturbingly high number. It seems that we all need to work to reduce that number as close to zero as possible. However, those same people who are showing pictures of aborted fetuses and militantly protesting do not also appear to care as much about the growing numbers of child mistreatment and fatalities (mistreatment at 47 children per 1000 and deaths at 2.4 per 100,000 children in 2006, Department of Health and Human Services study.) So are these folks really “pro-life” or just “anti-abortion?” Do they have any answers for the growing problem of abuse?

And do they just worship the Unborn?

Rather than spend too much time deconstructing this lesson, I will refer the teachers to the write-up done by douglashunter on feastuponthewordblog.  I am not going to present this week’s lesson in the usual form, but instead just posit a few questions as food for thought.

The lesson brings up a few interesting points about Joseph’s views on suffering.  Specifically, suffering is a means to a religious end:

• God tests us through our trials.
• Suffering puts us on par with “the ancients.”

What the lesson doesn’t talk about is the fact that not all suffering fits these categories, and most of the suffering endured in the examples in the lesson is related to physical torture at the hands of individuals who were persecuting Joseph for religious reasons.  What is not addressed, but will likely be inferred by everyone in the class (and is somewhat implied by the picture of an intubated hospital patient visiting with family included in the manual) is that ALL suffering, even just inconvenience or illness, could be a trial of our faith designed to test us and put us on par with the ancients.  Nothing in the text really says that, and it seems like a problematic conclusion.  What about:

• trials we bring on ourselves through our own stupidity or lack of foresight?
• trials brought upon us through happenstance?
• trials caused by individuals who are exercising their free agency to our detriment?
• trials endured by an individual that have no basis in religion whatsover?

On the upside, the lesson does seem to encourage us to rely on others and on God in our trials.  On the downside, there may be a tendency to believe that our trials are always from God, are always a test of our muster, or are always ultimately for our benefit.  Obviously, being the victim of sexual abuse doesn’t really fit this stereotype, and there are many other possible examples.

The problem with this view is similar to concepts shared in the Karpman Triangle.  The Karpman Triangle explains mental games that people play (perceptions of reality) that are self-fulfilling and actually stall one’s progress as an individual.  In the Karpman Triangle, events and interactions are viewed as having a victim, a persecutor, and a rescuer.  In the example of the tarring & feathering that took place at the John Johnson home, the story is retold with the Karpman Triangle players all intact:  Sidney and Joseph are the victims, the mob is the persecutor, and Joseph’s friends and wife are the rescuers.  In this case, the model may be fairly accurate.  In many cases it is not, but it gives individuals an excuse for unproductive behavior.

The problem with this model is that it absolves “victims” of responsibility or the need to take action; it villifies “persecutors” in a very black and white manner, and it ennobles “rescuers” to an extent that they don’t necessarily merit.  Sometimes, victims are complicit.  Sometimes rescuers are self-serving busybodies, and sometimes persecutors are victims of circumstance, misunderstanding, or accident.

So, what do you think?  Is the view of suffering as a means to religious ends helpful or harmful or both?  Discuss.

Colin Raye used “The Eleventh Commandment” as his theme song to raise money for and awareness of child abuse.  I will provide a link (please view it before reading the words), followed by the lyrics, but this song captures perfectly for me the soul-searing condemnation of the most awful statement attributed directly to Jesus:

It were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and he be cast into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones. (Luke 17:2)

The Eleventh Commandment – Colin Raye

(Again, please view the video before moving on in the post.)

Video Link

The following are the lyrics:

She hears his heavy breathing in the dark -
His footsteps coming closer down the hall.
She’s so ashamed she’s daddy´s secret love.
She wants to die; she wants to cry,
But he can’t get enough.

The bruises on his face will go away;
Mom keeps him home from school ’til they fade.
She’s sorry he was born – and tells him so.
He takes it in; he hangs his chin;
He ducks another blow.

Did God overlook it -
What ought have been written?
The 11th Commandment:
Honor thy children.

He cries for hours – cries and never stops.
He shakes so hard his little cradle rocks.
He’ll never have the chance to be brand new.
He’ll never walk; he’ll never talk;
He’s addicted, too.

Did God overlook it -
What ought have been written?
The 11th Commandment:
Honor thy children.

Thou shall not kill;
Thou shall not steal;
Thou shall not take the Lord’s name in vain.
Thou shall not cause thy children pain.

God does not overlook it -
What ought have been written.
The 11th Commandment:
Honor thy children.
Honor thy children.

Please, if you know of this type of abuse happening to any child, do something about it.  Please.