This became an issue for me early in our marriage, and we used to argue/fight over this subject. At that time, I felt very angry. Today the anger is giving way to feelings of self-pity and hopelessness. Throughout my marriage I have been plagued by the fear that I made a mistake asking my wife to marry me. I feel some regret, as though I made the wrong choice to marry this person. My wife never touches me. No hand holding, no hugs, no pat on the back – nothing. She has absolutely no interest in sex. She never initiates it, and when I do it is not uncommon for her to protest that she is tired. When she does go along with it, she just lies there and does nothing. She does not touch me, kiss me, talk to me or anything else. She literally will just lie there and do nothing, waiting for it to be over. It has all become somewhat mechanical and monotonous. She absolutely refuses to consider oral sex, saying that it is gross; and she does not want to use her hand to pleasure me, either. I do not want to get divorced because the children are young, and I feel strongly that children need a father in the home everyday. I feel stuck. I feel like my wife misled me when we were dating. I feel that people who do not want to be affectionate and sexual HAVE NO BUSINESS GETTING MARRIED. It seems like my only option is to “endure to the end,” however, the thought of spending forever with this person is somewhat depressing.

You are describing a difficult and sad situation and I can see how you would feel stuck. It is sad for me to see so many men (and women) writing to me on this similar subject. One of the responsibilities as a spouse is to be aware of and take into account the needs of the other. This goes for both men and women and includes physical, emotional, spiritual and temporal needs. To ignore, belittle or judge another’s legitimate needs is dangerous for any marriage. Showing affection is a necessary part of a healthy marriage. It is not appropriate for one to withhold affection, love and/or sex from the other. If there are psychological or traumatic issues from one’s upbringing or past that hinder spousal abilities then we should be open to getting appropriate help. Even most medical issues do not need to be the end of a physically intimate relationship – it may just need to be redefined.

I highly doubt that your wife consciously misled you through your courtship. Unfortunately when we get married we don’t have much of an idea of what lies ahead and how we will react to sex, arguments, stress, children, etc. – especially if it’s the first marriage. Things from our past and our upbringing affect us more than we usually realize. Figuring out our sexuality is very much a part of marriage, especially in cultures where it is customary to wait to have sex until after marriage (such as our Mormon culture). Even people who have been sexual before marriage, often find that their sexuality differs dramatically after entering the marital state (both in positive and negative ways). I don’t know what has led your wife to take her current position, but I’m sure the girl you dated would not have thought this is what “marital bliss” looked like either – especially since I’m sure this issue has greatly affected your relationship outside of the bedroom as well.

You are right that your children need you and I respect your desire to want to be a part of their everyday life. It shows your capacity for great love. However, your children also need a good relationship model so they can go forward and have a better statistical chance of having a healthy marriage themselves. Part of being a good mother and a good father is being a good wife and husband. It is easy to forget this important parental responsibility. I realize that you have little to no control over your wife but I would encourage you both to start marital counseling – even if it is only for the sake of the kids at first. It sounds like you are both stuck in a pattern of anger and resentment which leads to exactly what you describe: depression, hopelessness, regret, more anger, more resentment, etc… And none of these things do anything for your emotional intimacy, for your sex life, or for your level of communication.

Some questions I would want to know if I were working with you:* Was the sex ever good between the two of you, or did you face problems from the get-go? * Is there a history of sexual trauma for your wife? What about other sexual baggage? * What were the “sexual messages” you both received from your parents? Did you both have the opportunity to see affection, romance, and playfulness role modeled or not? * What did the deterioration of your relationship look like? What were the main issues that came up? Was it only sex or were there other factors involved? * Has your communication about this issue mainly come from a place of anger? Or have you been able to discuss this in a more calm atmosphere? * Do you think your wife feels the same way about your relationship? What would she add to this story? * Have you told your wife the things you have told me? * Have the two of you discussed the possibility of divorce? In other words, does your wife realize how badly this issue is affecting you? * Would you be willing to get professional help with or without her?

I have written a lot on “sexless marriage” and encourage you to go through and read some of those posts on my blog. There are no easy or magical solutions for these cases. The road to a healthy sexual and emotionally intimate relationship will take a lot of work and time. It is possible to achieve, but it will take the willing efforts of two people. I hope you and your wife can begin some difficult yet frank and respectful discussions regarding the future of your relationship.

MM Readers:

What are your thoughts about spouses who withdraw sexually from a marriage?  Is this ever appropriate?  Under what circumstances might it be appropriate?  For how long?

With sexual stigma within religious culture, I often come across many who believe sex is carnal in nature, only beneficial when used for procreation, and see husbands or wives who want sex as somehow “below” the optimal standard (not having their priorities in order).  What do you have to say about this?

Sexless marriage is defined loosely as having sex less than 10 times a year.  Do any of you have personal experiences that you would be comfortable sharing?  What was helpful in resolving issues like these if you were successful in doing so?

Natasha Helfer Parker is a Licensed Clinical Marriage and Family Therapist and a member of the Church with 13 years of experience working with LDS members. Here she shares with us representative cases from her practice and insights she has gained from her work as a therapist.  She blogs at mormontherapist.blogspot.com.

I can’t believe we took this treatment all these years. It makes me wonder what is wrong with me. I can now see the effect it has had on one of our children and our family as a whole. Recently one morning I awoke and realized that I didn’t have to take the disrespect and unsupportive behavior. In fact, I told the Lord I can’t do it anymore. I am not speaking to my extended family – all whom have been involved in this to one degree or another. I never talked to a Church leader until last year as I had become suicidal.  He was gentle and very understanding and said that I could “honor them from afar.” Am I sinning? My parents are in their eighties and I realize they will not change. Their opinions and beliefs are more important than a relationship with me. Where do I put my guilty feelings? I have turned into a pariah in the extended family but do not try to defend myself because I have seen that doesn’t change minds or hearts.

It is sad to hear when family relationships are a source of anxiety and depression instead of love and support. Unfortunately, in many cultures (including Mormonism) people choose their belief systems and traditions over the more important Christ-like acceptance of their loved ones. This happens all too often when family members choose something “different” within the issues of religious dogma, sexual orientation, traditional/cultural mores, prescribed behaviors, etc.

There is a great family theorist by the name of Murray Bowen who speaks of “differentiation.” This is where an individual can be comfortable within their individuality AND be comfortably connected to their family. It is where family members are mutually respectful, can set and adhere to appropriate boundaries, and the family system does not need to “fall apart” just because a member chooses to behave outside of the prescribed “family rules.” There is tolerance in this type of system. There is room for differing thoughts, ideas, beliefs and behavior even when disagreements are present. “I can be connected to you without needing to think, act and believe as you do.” The more differentiated we are, the healthier the family system.

The alternatives on both sides of this spectrum are individuality (only the needs of the individual are deemed important at the expense of the family) and enmeshment (the needs of the family take precedence over an individual’s). Families are in a continual dance somewhere along the fluidity of this continuum. When families are “rigid” then the system is not fluid. It cracks under pressure. When families are “disengaged” they are not connected enough to even know where they stand with one another. When families are “enmeshed” they cannot function individually without affecting the entire system.  These are all terms that can be helpful in understanding family dynamics. We want to be shooting for terms such as “flexible” and “connected.”

We are commanded to honor our parents, specifically. So, how do we go about defining the word “honor.” Is it “honorable” to allow inappropriate or abusive behavior? Is it “honorable” to meet another’s needs at the continual expense of our own? Is it “honorable” to not be true to oneself? My answer to all of this is a resounding NO.

So, how DO we go about showing respect?

You have the right to set the types of boundaries you expect to be treated by along with the consequences if they are not respected (i.e. “I will not allow family members to put my religion down in front of me or my children. If they want to have a respectful discussion then we can do that in a setting that is appropriate. Due to the protection of myself and my children, I will sadly not be able to attend family gatherings if this is not adhered to. I hope you can understand why this is important to me because our relationship is also important and I would prefer to stay connected. I cannot, however, stay connected at the expense of myself or my children.”) We can make these types of statements in a direct and loving way – controlling our facial expressions, tone and volume of voice, and reactivity to their response. This can be done face-to-face, over a telephone call, and/or in letter form. It can be done with each family member individually that you need to address or in a family meeting.

You cannot control other people’s behaviors, thoughts and feelings. Your family may or may not respect your wishes. You need to be prepared that as you begin to set appropriate boundaries you are in essence changing the “dance” everyone is accustomed to. Toes will be stepped on and squacking noises will be made. Families react to unwanted change much like a toddler temper tantrum. But much like with toddlers, as long as you keep your cool and keep to your guns, the tantrums diminish in length and in volume over time. Defending self, begging and pleading are unnecessary to this process and are usually ineffectual.

We are respectful to others by allowing and insisting them to be respectful to us. When we allow others to treat us with disrespect, we enable incorrect behavior. This helps no one in the journey towards progression.

I will warn that people who choose a complete cutting of the ties, “cut-off”, usually do not find themselves in a healthy position either. It is amazing how much power an extended family can have over your psyche and your own family dynamics even when you haven’t spoken to or seen them for years. It may come to the point of not being able to speak to or have contact with toxic family members – however, the communication around boundary-setting should be tried first.

Honoring your parents includes respectfully standing up to them, disagreeing with them, being thankful for the things they were able to do for you, forgiving them for the things they fell short on, being polite, not disparaging them in front of others, treating them with honorable communication skills, etc. Honoring them never entails dishonoring yourself or allowing yourself or your children to be dishonored.

As you embrace this process you will find it much easier to let go of inappropriate guilt and levels of depression should improve. You will feel empowered in the knowledge that you are creating a healthier state for yourself and your family overall.  Please be patient with yourself through this process. If you continue to have suicidal feelings, please get professional help. This is not a problem worthy of your self-destruction.

MM Readers:
What advice do you have for this situation?
How have you dealt with similar situations in your own life?
How do you define the commandment “honor thy father and mother?”

Natasha Helfer Parker is a Licensed Clinical Marriage and Family Therapist and a member of the Church with 13 years of experience working with LDS members. Here she shares with us representative cases from her practice and insights she has gained from her work as a therapist.  She blogs at mormontherapist.blogspot.com.

What is white-washing?  According to Encyclopedia Britannica:  to Whitewash is to gloss over or cover up vices, crimes, or to exonerate by means of a perfunctory investigation or through biased presentation of data.  Some examples of whitewashing given in Wikipedia are:

• propaganda proliferation
• implying a rosier version of events through selective inclusion
• biased editing of official materials to control information or public image

Obviously, covering up actual crimes goes further than covering up unsavory historical incidents.  I am not aware of any specific accusations of crime-based whitewashing directed at the church; actual crimes should be reported, investigated and punished.

OTOH, vices are human nature.  Everyone has vices and mistakes in their history.  Every organization has people with vices.  That’s a human problem.  Is it possible for people or organizations to be truly objective about themselves?  Do all religions white-wash?  I would suggest that most religions (and organizations of all types) do this to a great extent, with one possible exception:  the Hebrews.  The OT is full of crazy folks committing a multitude of sins (e.g. worshipping the golden calf, lying to one another right and left), yet still coming out as the chosen people.  Gotta love those guys.

Two types of white-washing come to my mind, and I think the second helps clarify understanding of the first (to an extent):

• Organizational.  Examples within the church might be only including favorable historical events, presenting events or doctrine with positive bias, or emphasis on public image through information control.  IMO, the church has a “party line” with a fairly robust apologetics movement on the side.
• Personal (Journaling).  This refers to individuals glossing over or omitting personal mistakes, focusing only on what is uplifting, finding a “moral” in every story or using personal experiences to teach a lesson to progeny.  Frankly, I’m not a big fan of this approach, although I understand the motives.

Why do people white-wash?

• To provide inspiration.  Napoleon said: “The role of the leader is to define reality and give hope.”  If your purpose in sharing the information is to edify and inspire your audience, you want to focus on what is uplifting and leads toward whatever your desired outcomes are.
• Due to confusion and ambiguity.  Whitewashing implies that the organization knows the full truth but opts for selective disclosure.  But when events are unclear or subject to multiple possible interpretations, it may be wiser to present a superficial account to avoid creating further confusion by presenting ambiguous and conflicting viewpoints.
• Personal bias.  We cannot be truly objective about ourselves.  Similarly, we cannot be unbiased about our religious faith.  We are always subjective, but even more so when the stakes are high and the topic is personal (such as our own life experiences or our religious faith).
• To hide a multitude of sins.  When journaling, how much personal information is too much?  One’s journal is not the Washington Post, after all–do the readers have a right to know everything?  To extend the analogy to a religious organization, what is the purpose of sharing the information?  To what end?  All churches that have ever had human beings as adherents have dirty laundry.  No one ever joined the Catholic church because of the “bad popes.”  Yet, the Catholic church does great good and is not defined solely by these errant individuals.
• Priorities and Purpose.  What is the purpose of communicating the information?  Who is the audience?  If the purpose is to edify and to promote Christ-like behavior, dwelling on the negatives or the mistakes of the past doesn’t seem constructive or expedient.

What’s the downside of whitewashing?

• Saying nothing whatsoever about unpleasant topics can create a sense of “the elephant in the room”–that there is something obvious not being discussed.  It can give undue weight to the undiscussed item.
• A superficial approach to investigation can provide misleading perceptions.
• It can lead to a black & white mindset that is just not realistic when dealing with human organizations or human beings for that matter.
• It can create feelings of inadequacy in individuals who realize their own imperfections but are only presented with images of perfection around them.
• Organizations and people can diminish their own critical thinking skills by “sniffing their own fragrance” or believing their own press.
• When knowledge is suppressed or withheld or not easily obtained, paranoia can result.  Individuals who seek and find unique knowledge that goes deeper than the superficial spin may conclude that only they know the “real truth,” may imagine conspiratorial cover-ups, or may feel disillusioned.
• Since no source is unbiased, negative information presented by opposing viewpoints is likely to be more damaging and even less objective.  The negative item may be taken out of context of the whole religion and evaluated independently or in conjunction with other negative events by individuals or groups at cross-purposes with the religion’s aims.

So, what do you think?  Does the church whitewash as an organization or is it just the efforts of well-meaning individuals to defend what they hold dear?  Do all organizations whitewash?  Is white-washing lying?  Is it inevitable?  Is it better or worse than the alternative?  What do you suggest as a better way to share negative information or confusing and ambiguous information?  Discuss.